You’re in a bar, watching some pumped up d-bag with a full-sleeve tattoos on both arms, calling out some pasty guy who is dancing around like an idiot.
Your money is probably on the jacked-up, tatted ‘roid-head, but according to Dr. Pearlman Hicks, he’s most likely going to be the one on the wrong end of that ass whooping.
Since 1985, Dr. Hicks has sat at ringside for over 300 fights as a California State Athletic Commission ringside doctor. And he’s developed an uncanny ability to pick the winner simply based on how the fighter looks – along with a system he believes will not only predict the winner of a boxing match (listening you degenerate gamblers?), but if you’re ever involved in a bar fight, may help you decide whether to fight or get your drunk ass out of there.
Here’s what the fight doctor looks for during a match… and what you should look out for in a bar:
1. In a boxing match always look at a boxer’s shoes.
If they’re brand new with fancy colors and tassles, the guy’s usually going to get his ass kicked. Any boxer worth his salt will wear comfortable, broken in boxing shoes. The ring is slippery enough from water, sweat and blood. He knows that new shoes are uncomfortable as well as slippery.
In a bar fight, if he is wearing combat boots, watch out. A roundhouse from a heavy boot across the chin can take you down in an instant. Ballet slippers? Not so much.
2. In a boxing match, the more tattoos the fighter has the bigger his ass whipping is going to be.
Boxers with lots of tattoos wear them to give themselves a psychological edge and they hope the tatts will intimidate the opponent. In most fights I’ve seen just the opposite happens, these guys get worked. Now I’m not talking about a few tattoos, I am talking about guys who cover more than one quarter of their bodies with them.
In a bar fight, watch out for the Asian guy with the kanji arm tattoos. He’ll clobber you.
3. In a boxing match the guy with the best physique is going to get his butt handed to him.
Big muscles with superb definition are usually the result of hard work with the weights, and steroids. We used to call this type of a physique “muscle bound.” This means that while they look great, they are slow with their punches, and believe it or not they have very little real hitting power. Definition is more vanity than power.
In a bar fight, size these guys up first to see if they’re drunk. It makes their reflexes even slower.
4. In a boxing match beware of the fighter who is prancing like a wounded bull in the ring.
He’s clearly upset and is ready to release his stored vengeance on his opponent.
It’s the same thing in a bar fight… get ready to run. Intense adrenalin rushes give the advantage to a bar fighter who’s hell bent on taking down his opponent.
5. In a boxing match the fighter that does not look his opponent in the eye is going to lose.
A fighter who’s afraid does not want his opponent to see fear in his eyes. That means he’ll receive an even worse beat-down.
In a bar fight, watch out for the sucker punch. That’s the punch of choice by an opponent who’s sized you up and realizes he’s undermanned.
6. In a boxing match, the guy with the big belly, love handles and shortness of breath is going to tire out.
And all the opponent has to do is take him into the later rounds.
In a bar fight, let him take a few swings at you as you use your swifter agility to avoid him, then sit back and kick his ass. He will tire out in 3 minutes. If you don’t hit him in the face, go to the belly to make it tougher for him to catch his breath.
7. In a boxing match, one sign of a fighter with MMA training is a cauliflower ear. These guys are tough.
So in a bar fight look at a guy’s ear and if it’s all mucked up don’t screw with him. Also look for facial scars particularly those above and below the eyes. This means that the guy has really been through the wars.
8. In a boxing match, when a boxer enters the ring with a large entourage he’s usually going to come out ahead.
Mostly because he’s under great pressure to impress this group. But he also has to win in order to pay all of those people. Entourages don’t come cheap.
Ditto for a bar fight. Fighting for the honor of one’s peer group is big incentive. Keep an eye out for his buddies to join in if you start to get the upper hand.
9. In a boxing match, watch out for the short stocky guys.
What they lack in height they make up in power. Remember Smokin’ Joe Frazier? Could he punch!
In a bar fight, the short stocky guys can give you fits too. And protect your jewels… They’ve got the angle.
10. There’s a saying in the street that goes like this: “Don’t be sellin’ woof (as in a dog barking) tickets that your ass can’t cash.”
Roughly translated it means don’t talk up a big game if you’re not prepared to back it up with actions. In a boxing match the fighter who does the most mouthing off before the fight is usually the one who gets beaten… but there are exceptions to that rule. (Remember Muhammad Ali? Said he was “The Greatest!” and proved it.)
In a bar fight, talk is cheap so look out for all the tips in 1-9. Then decide to hold your ground or run. There’s honor in surviving to fight another day.