Generally, we’re all for chicks sprucing up downstairs. Whatever they do to maintain the yard (or for some of you guys, let it run wild), is perfectly ok by us. Shaved. Runway. Brazilian. Full-on bushwacker. If they put some effort into for us, basically we’re happy.
We figured there was some waxing involved, maybe a little pair if scissors for some last minute trims… and of course those “freshness” products we’re subjected to when we watch Grey’s Anatomy. (What? We watch it for the chicks.)
But lately, we’ve been made aware – by sources who will remain anonymous, because it’s not like we were out there searching the internet for these crazy things – of some surprising things available to women for the care and maintenance (and in some cases pure enjoyment), of our favorite playground. Here are a few of our favorites, for when you’re thinking of the perfect gift, that gives back:
1 – The Cuchini (www.cuchini.com)
Read my lips: No. More. Cameltoe. (At least that’s what the Cuchini promises.)
An elegantly named guard (was “Twatini” taken?), that slips into her panties, this nifty device keeps her apple bottom jeans from riding up into her uterus, thereby eliminating embarrassing pointing from strangers shouting, “Look! She’s wearing Helen Keller pants!”
2 – Pubic Hair Dye (Bettybeauty.com)
I don’t know many dudes who, after their beds lay empty for weeks while they unsuccessfully cruise dive bars for a girl tequila-soused enough to agree to follow him home, might look upon said tequila-soused conquest and say, “Hey! You’re not a real blonde!”
But for those super-self conscious ladies who absolutely need the carpet to match the drapes, there’s Betty, the hair dye for muffs. Specially formulated for the wiry hair down there and not tested on animals – it also comes in festive colors like hot pink and orange to liven up the holidays.
3 – The Tinge (MyTinge.com)
From the Why Don’t We Get One of These Department: Combining all the fun of shaving with the pure joy of masturbation, the Tinge is a razor and vibrator all in one. That’s right, a pleasure device with a couple of razors in one end.
Which should explain why we don’t get one. All we’d need is to come home drunk and alone, decide to do some manscaping… with “release”… and we’d end up performing an impromptu circumcision. Which would doubly suck if you were already circumcised.
4: A Merkin/Murkin (Merkinworld.com)
Basically a merkin is a pubic wig. Why someone would want a vajayjay toupee is beyond me, but apparently, they’re worn by actors and actresses looking to hide their “little something” during on-screen nekkidness.
There are several designs to choose from, including a padlock or red cross, and you even give you the option to design your own genital toupee.
So if your sexual partner’s pubic hair pulls off like a Lego figurine’s hat, now you’ll know why.
5: Kegel Pro
This thing is essentially a Thigh Master for vaginas, a Vagina Master if you will (where’s Suzanne Sommers for this one?), used to help with Kegel exercises that maintain the strength and integrity of the pubococcygeus muscle inside the vagina, which helps with sexual stimulation and incontinence.
While we’re all for ladies working out the sex muscle, anything that makes our job easier, we worry that some might overdo it. Nobody wants date a girl whose vagina can bench more than they can.
Bonus: P-Mate (pmate.com)
We understand the convenience of being able to stand up and piss, with the option to make roughly anywhere our own personal toilet. It’s one of the best parts about being a guy. (That, and 99% of the porn is designed for us.)
Women, tired of having to sit down, have created a device that allows them to also experience the joy of urinating in urinals, or on municipal buildings, when they’re drunk and/or homeless.
Unfortunately for the ladies, this honor does come at a price: They have to carry around a device that they’ve just peed into. That, and having the drunk guy at the urinal next to them say, “Excuse me ma’am, but your penis is shaped like a soap-box derby racer.”