Just when you thought we couldn’t think up any more creative and ridiculous ways to kill ourselves in the pursuit of fame, fortune and easily impressed women, come a few more actual inventions by actual guys, that were granted actual patents. These were discovered by Scott Seegert, after the publication of his book, It’s a Guy Thing, and they prove, once again, there’s no limit to the male imagination.
Nicholas’s Portable Rotisserie Tanner (1954)
Every wonder what’s it like to be a chicken? Me either. But apparently Nicholas did as he looked at the birds roasting at his local butcher shop, turning all golden brown as they cooked, and thought, “Look at how tan those guys are getting!” So he cooked up this great idea: strap yourself into giant roaster, be turned slowly around until golden brown on all sides (except for those white horizontal lines where the bars are), then get out and enjoy a Lucky Strike with your fellow future melanoma patients. This thing would work better fulfilling Frank Perdue’s sexual fantasies than it would as a tanning device.
John’s Hunting Decoy (1897)
Apparently it never occurred to John that there may be other hunters out there in the woods, looking for any sort of animal to blast away at. Like a four-legged, two-penised, zero-brained, bull-cow traipsing through the woods. Blind. Friends of Dick Cheney listen carefully, this is NEVER to be worn while hunting with the trigger-happy Veep. NOTE: Might be useful for clumsy sit-com attempt to enter the county fair for only a single ticket.
Samuil’s Vomit Urinal (1998)
Tired of ruining your good drinking pants on cold, dirty bathroom floors? Been embarrassed time and again when walking out of the men’s room with tell-tale toilet marks on your shirt after driving the porcelain bus? Samuil feels your shame. And your desire to puke with more dignity. Progressive bar owners would simply install this porcelain wonder at head level to assist the discriminating gentleman looking to excuse himself of today’s three-martini and shellfish lunch. Or the college student of his nine Jäegerbombs. Yep, nothing says “class joint” like a Samuil’s Vomit Urinal.
Bob’s Rod Holder (1961)
Who is Bob, and why in God’s name are you holding his rod? Valid questions to be sure, and ones certainly on the mind of the users of this unfortunately/hilariously named fishing accessory. Simply strap on the rod and wait for those fish to start biting. (That’s what she said). Not recommended for use by those in pursuit of giant swordfish.
Lewis’ Helicopter (1958)
Frankly, people who prefer their fast-moving, razor-sharp helicopter blades operating at a safe distance above their heads are just pussies. Real men use the Lewis Helicopter (nickname: The Human Cuisinart), where the blades are only inches from your legs and vital organs, and the slightest gust of wind will turn you into the file storage room at Enron right before the feds busted in. One can only imagine the insurance required to fly this thing, assuming your policy even has a Suicidal Stupidity Clause.
For more insane and outright ridiculous inventions, head over to www.scottseegert.com