62 Things to Do After Sex: A Practical Guide For Any Situation

1 – Go home.

2 – Call her a cab.

3 – Apologize. And explain how you almost never “finish” that quickly.

4 – Unlock the men’s room door and get back to your desk.

5 – Pay the lady.

6 – Try to locate Maui on the map of Hawaii you just left on her stomach.

7 – Roll over and go to sleep.

8 – Take a shower.

9 – Compliment her on her dancing skills as she leaves for the main stage.

10 – Spoon.

11 – Ask her her name.

12 – Turn the video camera off.

13 – Make yourself a sandwich.

14 – Tell her to make you a sandwich.

15 – Two words: Sports. Center.

16 – Tip Mai Ling the extra $25.
17 – Change the sheets.

18 – Put the whip back in the freezer.

19 – Clean up the condom wrappers.

20 – Hang up the phone and put your credit card back in your wallet.

21 – Check for sores.

22 – Ask the waiter for the check.

23 – Take off the wig and fishnets.

24 – Return to your seats and pretend to enjoy the in-flight movie.

25 – Remove the beads from your ass.

26 – Remove the beads from her ass.

27 – Put another log on the fire.

28 – Pee.

29 – Ask if they are in the same sorority.

30 – Bask in the afterglow.

31 – Act like you’re actually putting her number in your phone.

32 – Try hard not to look so surprised you actually had sex with a woman.

33 – Engage in some obligatory pillow talk.

34 – Sneak her back to the reception to before the other bridesmaids miss her.

35 – Climb out the window before her father comes home.

36 – Climb out the window before her husband comes home.

37 – Reload for round two.

38 – Put the sock in the hamper.

39 – Tip the washroom attendant for not seeing/hearing anything.

40 – Remove your ball gag and release The Gimp.

41 – Defog the windshield so you can drive her home.

42 – Let the dog back in the room.

43 – Turn off Cinemax and go to sleep.

44 – Get her a towel.

45 – Take the rubber bands off your wrist and let the blood flow back into your hand.

46 – Uncuff her.

47 – Beg her to uncuff you.

48 – Chew your arm off to get away without waking her up.

49 – Tell the cabdriver he can turn the rearview mirror back to where it belongs.

50 – Deflate your girlfriend and put her back under the bed.

51 – Try not to laugh when she tells you she’s “never done anything like that before.”

52 – Wipe off the clown makeup.

53 – Hold her. That’s right. Hold. Her.

54 – Turn off the Barry White/Marvin Gaye/Righteous Brothers/Sting mix.

55 – Blow out the candles.

56 – Shut down the hot tub jets and grab a towel.

57 – Try to convince yourself you didn’t see an Adam’s Apple.

58 – Put the cap back on the lube.

59 – Fluff up the coat pile and get back to the party.

60 – Tell Paris it’s ok to turn her cell phone back on.

61 – Drop the keys at the front desk.

62 – Log off and wipe down your keyboard.