Hang on, boys. Don’t get all defensive – I’m not here to point fingers and call you all out as a slobbering, drooling, certified perverts. I’m just trying to open your eyes to some usually well-meant and harmless behaviors even the most well-intentioned guys sometimes do. Why? Because although I know you mean well, our perception outweighs your intent. And you don’t want to be perceived as a pervert, creep or loser, do you? This is inside information, just for you.
1. Accidental Breast Touch Number 2:
Accidental Breast Touch Number 1 will be written off as an accident – provided it doesn’t linger – but ABT #2 means you’re just trying to cop a feel. And hope I will write it off as another “accident”, or that my breast-based nerve cells and unsophisticated girl brain are not receptive to your stealthy, ninja-like boob brush. Rendering me oblivious while you get your jollies. Which isn’t the case, perv.
This actually happened to me recently. While talking to a family friend at a family function, he “accidentally” touched my left breast… four times. That’s right: Four. Times. Was he thinking because I didn’t smack him into next Thursday that it was ok? (And the only reason I didn’t was because my 17 year-old cousin was standing right there. Another sign of how unbelievably nervy and pervy this guy was.) The first one, like I said above, was written off as unintentional, a function of his enthusiastic storytelling. But after the third swipe I started to think: maybe my family needs some new friends. I know some of us cannot talk without using our hands (guilty), but remember that it might be best to keep things in close proximity when there are breasts around.
If you’re looking to make a move, or gauge a girl’s interest, a light touch on the shoulder or elbow is much sexier, and it won’t get you labeled a degenerate.
2. Broadcasting Your Love of Playboy:
Examples: Having the Playboy logo proudly displayed anywhere on your car (or worse, on a shirt or around your neck), leaving your magazine collection sprawled out on the coffee table when you know I’m coming over, or having your computer’s desktop be a shrine to the “Girls Next Door”. I have no objection to you being a fan of the magazine, and hell, I like to look at pretty naked girls just as much as the next person, but how about stashing them in a drawer when you know I’ll be around? Catching a peek of them in that drawer might even be a little bit sexy in my eyes – you never know. But always remember: Being surrounded by beautiful women makes a man look hot, but being surrounded by pictures of beautiful women who don’t even know he exists, makes him look like a loser.
3. The Creepy Across-the-Bar Stare:
Every girl likes when a man notices her across a crowded bar, but eying me for longer than five seconds prior to striking up a conversation will just creep me out. Five seconds says you’re gathering courage or the right opening line, but after six seconds it just tells me you’re undressing me with your eyes, which is downright creepy. Think about it this way, boys: How many times have you had some drunk woman do this to you at a club? Sure, it can be a little ego-boosting at first, but you know damn well that after a certain amount of her staring without speaking, it gets a little weird. And you start checking to make sure your fly is up or if there beer dribbling down your chin. Maybe your man-meter says 10 seconds of staring at a woman lets her know you’re interested, but the woman-meter says you’d better start taking before our clock ticks six.
4. Going to the Gym or Appearing in Public Wearing Anything Leopard/Cheetah Print, a Headband, or – Good Heavens – Those Dreaded Zubaz Pants From 1989:
You’re a man. You are not allowed to own or wear these things unless you are an 80′s porn star. (I’m not even going to get into the bushy mustache.) And porn stars aren’t guys most women want to date. I’ve never looked at Ron Jeremy and thought: Mmmm, yummy. And men who try to look like him just make me sad. Men who don’t have the sense to look around and realize they are the only ones wearing workout fashion from 20 years ago, make me sadder. Please, please don’t be “that guy”. And please, please don’t come up and talk to me.
5. Bringing Up Your Sexual Escapades, or Asking About Mine, Within 24 Hours of Meeting Me:
Say you and I are having a nice first date dinner at a fancy restaurant. We’ve made the small talk, you’ve told me I look great (which is a must, by the way), and our drinks have just arrived. After taking a thoughtful sip of wine, you look deep into my eyes and say “So. Do you like it from behind or do you need to see the guy’s face the whole time?”
Yes, I know by this point you guys are thinking about what sex with us would be like, and yes we’re curious about you too. But you won’t make it to dessert – let alone the bedroom – if you decide it should be one of our first conversations. Your best bet is to wait until we’ve had a few dates. but who knows, you may get lucky and I may bring it up myself sooner than you think. The key here, boys, is patience.
6. Offering to Come Home From the Grocery Store with Me to Carry and Put Away My Groceries:
Now guys, I realized that as a 5’3″, 100lb woman barely able to push her overflowing cart down the grocery aisles, I look like I’m in desperate need of help. And you know what? I am. But grocery stores have staff to help me to my car, and there is absolutely no way some strange guy inviting himself into my home isn’t going to come off as a weirdo. No matter how noble he thinks his intentions are. Instead, be the guy in line behind the creep, giving me an “I can’t believe he said that either” look when this is all going on. That guy is my hero of the hour, he totally gets that there’s a perv standing in-between us, he obviously sees the humor in this, and I like him already. As long as he doesn’t offer to come home with me to put away my groceries.
7. Coming Off Like You’ve Never Seen a Real, Live Woman Before:
This is a classic case of a poorly executed compliment. Say you and I are standing in line next to each other at a coffee shop. You think I look gorgeous, so you look me up and down, then mutter “Wow.” Although I get the point that you like how I look (which, I’m assuming, was your intention), I’m feeling around in my purse for my mace. Just in case your next line is something like, “I’ve seen pictures of pretty girls before, but never one in person.” This is another situation where you want to be the guy in line behind the “Wow Guy”, giving me a knowing look and maybe even a wink. I’m much more likely to give that guy my number in return.
What muttering some word of amazement also says to me is you don’t have the social skills – or the man-stones – to actually give a girl a real compliment. Or, more chillingly, that, in your creepy little mind, you fail to realize that I am, in actuality, standing next to you, instead of just being a jpg on your computer screen, as would be the usual way you see women.