Sit down. I've got some bad news for you. She fakes it. Maybe not all the time. Maybe it's only happened once or twice. But it's happened. Sorry, bubba, but some of that screaming has been pure When-Harry-Met-Sally-inspired theatrics.
Why would she let you think she got off when the only thing she really wanted was getting you off... of her? A few reasons. But the good news is it may not have been you - or your technique - that kept her from achieving sexual nirvana.
Studies show that only 25% of women are able to experience The Big O through intercourse. (Compared to well over 90% of guys.) That leaves three-quarters of the ladies out there needing a little something more than a little of the ol' in-and-out to get their world rocking.
What can you do to make sure you're not just a supporting player in one of her show-stopping performances? I spoke with Donna Wittrig, Resident Sexpert for
Surprise Parties (think Tupperware party, just with sex toys and no men allowed), for some advice. (And for purposes of this discussion I'm going to assume that your Horizontal Mambo partner is someone you're in a relationship with. Not a casual hook-up, FWB or one night stand. Those, my friends, are every man - and woman - for themselves.)
And this is not about using specific sex techniques. Not even throwing her a Flying Walinsky, or performing an expert execution of
The Venus Butterfly will do it for her if something is blocking her march to the promised land. This is more about understanding why she can't get off, and how you can remedy that. Here are some tips from Donna to help you help her hit pay dirt:
Tip 1: Talk. And Listen.
Communication is the key. Communication is what the other tips revolve around. Without it, you're done. So start talking.
The most important thing, though, is to let her know she can talk to you. Tell you anything. And that you'll listen. Without making wise-ass comments. (Which I know is difficult, but try.) According to Donna, "Many women are embarrassed to say what they want, and more importantly, telling you what they don't want." Your girl doesn't want to think she's hurting your feelings. Or putting a dent in that ego of yours.
Which means your job is to make her comfortable. Let her know it's ok to tell you if your "signature move" does nothing but give her a cramp in her hamstring. Or that your cologne reminds her of some chucklehead she dated in college, and the smell of it turns her off quicker than Lindsay Lohan's stint in rehab.
Tip 2: Find Out What She Wants. Then Do It.
While you're communicating, let her know it's also ok to tell you what she wants from you during sex. You can't get her there if you don't have directions. (And you know how we are about asking for directions.) Tell her you want to know where her "buttons" are. What turns her on. And assure her you're willing to do it. Without judging her. If she's still too shy, make a signal she can use to let you know when you do something she likes. ("Bite my ass if this feels good...") Or suggest she take her hands and guide you. She's the teacher, you're her willing student. And you're looking to stay after class to earn extra credit.
Tip 3: Let Her Know She Turns You On.
"Many women have body issues," Donna tells me. "They may not think they are attractive enough, or sexy enough, for you." Take a look on the newsstands. Your girl is bombarded with images of model-perfect women every day. And catching you checking out anything with double-D implants doesn't help. (Yes, she catches you. Every time. She just doesn't have the energy to slap you every time.)
This can bring on a bout of self-consciousness. And tension. Thinking you aren't attracted to her. So tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she's sexy. Tell her she looks amazing in that dress. And tell her often. She needs to be comfortable, relaxed and know that she's desired. Or there's no way she'll be able to "bingo".
Tip 4: Build The Excitement.
We can be ready to go the minute she gives the green light. She needs a little more build up. Call her in the middle of the day. Tell her you can't wait to be with her tonight. Send her text messages describing everything you want to do to her. When the time comes (no pun intended), she'll have been thinking about it all day. And eight hours of anticipation is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Tip 5: Salute the Man in the Boat.
Remember that stat in the intro, that only 25% of women have vaginal orgasms? A good percentage of the rest can only have clitoral orgasms. Meaning you need to be paying attention to her little love button if you want those sparks to fly. Which might require using a small vibrator during sex.
Don't panic. Don't be intimidated. She just one of those girls that needs some direct stimulation in order to reach the finish line. Let her know you're cool with her calling for a little battery operated back-up.
Tip 6: Make Her Fantasies Come True.
Women have richer
fantasies than guys. You can test this statement by asking five members of each sex what their fantasy is. I'll bet you everything I have on me right now ($37, a tissue and a tin of Altoids smalls) at least 4 out of 5 guys will answer "a threeway". (Double or nothing if he adds "with her sister.") The ladies? Sit back and be prepared to hear a detailed story. Involving men in uniform. Damsels in distress. Princes. Princesses. Mythical creatures. Whatever gets her panties damp.
Our sexpert Donna points out, "Some women might want to be someone else for the night. This may make her feel more comfortable doing things she wouldn't normally do as herself." So if it helps her get there, put on the prison guard outfit. Or the wig. I won't tell.
Tip 7: It Might Just Be a Time Management Issue.
Even if you follow all the tips above, she may still have a problem. Why? Because her mind may be somewhere else. Thinking about everything she needs to get done. Something that happened at work. The nail appointment she has in an hour. Or she may just not be in the mood.
A loyal girlfriend, she might want to please you, but since she knows that it ain't over 'til she "sings", your dedicated girl may fake it to get it over with quicker, and get back to what she was doing.
In this case, Donna suggests some discussion about quickies and whether she's ok with just taking care of you. "Many women are perfectly fine with just pleasing you," she says. "It beats having you pumping away for hours when she's not in the mood." That's irritating. And a waste of a good Flying Walinsky.
Is this going to take some time and effort on your part? Yes. But then anything worthwhile is. And I'm thinking being the one guy who can make her eyes roll back in her head and her toes curl is pretty worthwhile.