Whether it’s a couple giving a long-distance relationship a shot, or two octogenarians finally reuniting and falling in love after a lifetime apart, love always finds a way. Love can also find a way to creep you out.
And with the Internet as it’s new delivery system, it’s become so much easier. Allowing people to talk (unless they have a ball gag in their mouth) about their peculiar sexual interests, and really let their freak flags fly. Sure the major online dating sites are good for meeting a 30-something accountant for coffee, but if you want someone who can tie a good Fisherman’s knot while simultaneously changing the diaper on a fully grown man-baby, then you’re going to have to dig a bit deeper.
Luckily for you, I’ve thrust myself down the online rabbit hole in search of some of the most bizarre and depraved dating sites the Interwebs have to offer. And I’ve come back a wiser, more tolerant (albeit emotionally shattered), man. If sites like these manage to help you find that perfect soul mate who can get your very peculiar rocks off, then I wish you all the best in the world. No judgment here. But exercise caution when going to these sites at work, because if you’re caught, you are in for an endless parade of human resources-sponsored workshops.
Women Behind Bars
Are you afraid of commitment? Well why not let the United States Penal system mandate how long before you have to meet the in-laws and pick a china pattern? On WomenBehindBars.com, you can sort through a bevy of jailhouse birds by state, crime, and length of sentence. Sign up, read the unintentionally hilarious “These ladies are in prison and for good reason” warning, and find yourself the repeat arsonist of your dreams. And you’ll be in the visiting room sharing a glass of toilet wine with your cellsoulmate in no time.
Are you an attractive person on the outside, but shallow and ugly on the inside? Then submit that dashing mug to DarwinDating.com, actual motto: “Online dating minus ugly people” that has quite the stringent (read: just plain mean), standard of beauty that its members are expected to meet. Before signing up, make sure to read the site’s manifesto to see if you qualify. (Sorry red-heads like Faye Reagen, Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan, Isla Fisher–you’re just not pretty enough.) The site also has a feature that allows members to score others profiles, and allows administrators to kick out a person if their score is too low. Stay classy Darwindating.com!
If DarwinDating is the shallow end of the pool, then DiaperMates.com is the murky, unceasing deep end. This writer cannot unsee most of the content of diapermates.com, but if you’re an adult who enjoys wearing a diaper and wants to meet someone else who enjoys a little “change” now and then… well then you’ve come to the right place. Offering a photo gallery, chat room, and in-person ‘play dates’, this has been one of the leading sites for diaper lovers, and the ‘mothers’ that love them. Pardon me, while I go curl up in the fetal position for a while.
No Longer Lonely
Every guy has had a crazy ex… it’s an inevitable part of trying to get some. However, I’m not talking about stalking you and screaming “who is this skank?!”, or even creating a fake facebook profile to watch your status updates (I know “Bill” isn’t real, Linda). I’m talking “put the lotion in the basket” level of cuckoo here. Perhaps next time attach this URL to her latest restraining order and help her find someone who will appreciate her fecal murals? NoLongerLonely.com is a dating site for folks who have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness. Here individuals can create a profile and send 124 page long diatribes to one another in an attempt to find true love. In all seriousness though, this is a site for those that have issues that need delicate care and loving support, so don’t go on here hoping to score with some vulnerable woman–your unkeyed car and unboiled pets will thank you.
No longer just a classic coif to be admired atop some of the stateliest heads, mullet-havers and enthusiasts now have an online forum to meet and hook-up at MulletPassions.com. Free to join, the site has a forum, chat rooms, and specialized groups (as if joining a dating site dedicated to the mullet wasn’t specialized enough), to help users find that special someone who is all business in the front, party in the back, and true in the heart.
Do you like your women like Marie Osmond: a little bit country? Well Hoss, you might want to mosey on down to Farmersonly.com which is well, for farmers, and other hardy rural types. Meet that special someone who will go to Four H shows, tractor pulls, and rodeos with you. (And if you forget her name, just refer to her belt buckle). Just don’t mess things up, cause she is liable to hog tie and brand your sorry ass.
Have you ever been sitting at the ballgame, enjoying a perfect summer day, seen the mascot dancing around on the dugout and thought, “Yeah, I’d hit that”. No? Me neither. But if you have, then perhaps you should show off your animalistic side on Pounced.org, a dating/hook-up site for furries. Furries are individuals who take on an anthropomorphic personality, build giant “furry” costumes to suit the personality, and cut out holes in ‘special’ places. Any questions? Good, because I have no explanation for it. Let us move on, shall we?
So you were very popular with the ladies for a stretch (good for you), and now you have a sexually transmitted disease because you were probably careless (not so good for you). Well stop fretting Patient Zero, and join STDmatch.net, a website for people with herpes, HPV, and all other sorts of genital nightmare fuel. Meet the right person, and never have to lie about having burnt your lip with a cigarette again.
Little People Meet
Let me be short with you. Maybe you’re a little different. Perhaps you’re a wee-bit shy, and don’t have the slightest clue to find where to find someone special? Why not scurry on down to LittlePeopleMeet.com and find your next baby doll. Here users can look through thumbnails of thousands of prospective little ladies. Sorry for the little jokes, I’m just small minded.