If Theodore "Don’t Call Me Teddy" Roosevelt were alive today, he’d shit a gold nugget over what a bunch of pansies we’ve become.

Right around the last time the Cubs won the World Series, the manlier of the Roosevelt presidents was picking fights with big business, lassoing corruption in the country’s biggest police force, not to mention fucking up elephants and white rhinos... and each one of their heads ended up proudly hung on his trophy wall.

"Speak softly and carry a big stick" was the famous quote by President Badass, but it was metaphorical. Replace the "st" with a "d" and that's the true meaning of this quote. (More infamous quotes after the jump.)

So with that, we give you Ted Mothafuckin' Roosevelt: an abridged (and slightly exaggerated) bio in manliness.

‘Dems Fightin’ Words
Ted was a sick kid. Because of his asthma he was home schooled and went to private school with snobs for most of his younger days. His parents thought he was too frail for public school. At home, he read numerous books and was insanely interested in animals and science – NERD ALERT!!!

Much like today, these kinds of kids seem to be easy targets for the town bully, to which Ted was no exception. One day, when he was still in elementary school, he went out into town with a friend. (Presumably to scare up some 4th grade tail.) Some of the older public school boys got in his way and called him a pussy rich boy. Well Ted and his friend (let’s assume his name was Bill) beat the ever living shit out of all of them (I’m guessing there were no less than 20. Or so.) You would think this was the end of the story, but bullies never learn. This round of beatings took place EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK. And every time Bill and Ted emerged bloodied and bruised, but victorious. After the third day’s fight, Ted, boning up on his action hero catchphrases, turned to Bill and said, "Let's go round the block and come back and fight them again." To which Bill probably replied, "I’m gettin’ too old for this shit."

Regardless, Ted loved to fight. Boy was a scrapper. He boxed for most of his life, and even took on sparring partners between cabinet meetings. If he had his way, foreign policy would have been decided with 12 ounce gloves and a standing 8 count.

Bulletproof
We all remember Truman’s famous sign on his desk that read "The Buck Stops Here." Well Ted’s read, "Hey Assassins. Come Get Some."

Ted was used to being shot at while in the military. After he and his men of the questionably named "Rough Riders" just barely captured Kettle Hill during the Spanish-American War, he took a swig of water, noticed the boys over at San Juan Hill were getting their asses handed to them, yelled "CHARGE," lept over a barbed wire fence and charged San Juan Hill while bullets whizzed past his head.

Realizing that none of his idiot men were following, he doubled back amidst the bullets and most likely said upon his return, "Oh I’m sorry, what part of 'CHARGE!' did you pantywaists not understand? Pick up your fucking rifle, hop over this barbed-wire fence and take that friggin’ hill!" Then he charged again, and took the hill. Of course he did.

Later in his life when he was on the campaign trail eyeing his second term as president, some drunk bar owner shot Ted in the chest. Ted, in true gangsta form, took a breath, most likely stabbed the bar owner in the face with his fountain pen, and then examined the wound. After looking down at his chest Ted said, "You know what? I’m not coughing blood. I’m fine." He then rubbed some dirt on it, and continued with the 90-minute speech he had scheduled that day, while proudly showing off his blood stained, freshly-shot shirt.

And being the John McClane of the early 1900’s, Ted opened his speech with a zinger: "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose." (Bull Moose is of course early 1900's slang for "Bad Mothafucka")

Most Dangerous Game
After his first term as President, Ted was a popular guy and could have easily won another term. Instead he said, "Screw this, I’m goin’ huntin."

And that’s just what he did. But instead of sitting in a tree stand waiting for Bambi like a tool, good ol’ Ted went out to Africa and killed or trapped over 11,000 animals. Big ones.

According to Wikipedia:
"All told, Roosevelt and his companions killed or trapped over 11,397 animals, from insects and moles to hippopotamuses and elephants. These included 512 big game animals, including six rare white rhinos. The expedition consumed 262 of the animals. Tons of salted animals and their skins were shipped to Washington; the quantity was so large that it took years to mount them all, and the Smithsonian was able to share many duplicate animals with other museums."

Upon returning from his trip, Ted made 15 tons of Rhino chili and fed the entire newly acquired state of Oklahoma for 6 years.

Famous Quotes
Probably one of the best quotes about Ted Roosevelt was uttered by the U.S. Vice-President at that time, Thomas R. Marshall. Marshall, upon hearing about Ted’s fatal heart attack as he slept said:

"Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight."

I’m sorry, but that’s awesome.

Here are some other great (and a few slightly fictional) Ted quotes:
"Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft." – When speaking about his philosophy on war

"Every reform movement has a lunatic fringe." - Referring to his “pansy-ass” congress.

"If you eyeball me one more time Taft, I’m gonna skin your fat ass and use it as a poncho" - Said during the 2nd presidential primary debates

"A typical vice of American politics is the avoidance of saying anything real on real issues." – He then followed with "I keep shit real."

"I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!" – He then said "Pull!" and began skeet shooting a spackle bucket full of chipmunks.

"You know what we should do? Dig through Panama. I got a shovel, I’ll meet you pussies there." - Overheard during a meeting with his secretary of commerce

"I took the Canal Zone and let Congress debate; and while the debate goes on, the canal does also." –Said while on the shitter

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." – Said in between bites of elephant pancreas to Taft upon hearing how much he "fucked up" the presidency while he was on safari.

"The human body has two ends on it: one to create with and one to sit on. Sometimes people get their ends reversed. When this happens they need a kick in the seat of the pants." – Exclaimed in its entirety during one continuous belch.

Sources Used
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teddy_Roosevelt
http://all-biographies.com/presidents/theodore_roosevelt.htm
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/t/theodore_roosevelt.html
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/05/01/lessons-in-manliness-theodore-roosevelt-and-the-spanish-american-war/

Mike Gogel is one of the hosts of the semi-popular podcast, Masters of None. When faced with danger, Mike is always brave and can be very resourceful and clever, but can not tolerate being called a coward, a trait he shares with James Dean’s character Jim Stark.