The Olympics are over, and the US set a record for the number of medals won for the winter games with 37.

We did not, however, medal in Curling... the sport that Canada rules, and combines shuffleboard, slipping on ice, and housecleaning. And since it's gaining popularity in the US (could we soon start seeing NCAA December Madness Curling brackets?), the guys over at The Toilet Paper, dedicated an entire edition to the sport that's sweeping (pun intended), the nation...

The Number: $90,150
Total lettuce earned by the #1 ranked team, Team (Glenn) Howard, on the Asham World Curling Tour thus far in the 2009-2010 season. That breaks down to $22,537.50 per member, six months into the eight month season.

Curling is about fame, not fortune. Glory, not the green. Accolades, not Escalades.


The Quote:
"Curling is not a sport. I called my grandmother and told her she could win a gold medal because they have dusting in the Olympics now."
Charles Barkley, former pro basketball player and NBA analyst

Ralph, you dirty dog. Who knew the leader of the transcendentalist movement could be so hysterical? The average “portion” given by a dude is roughly 5.5 inches.


The Word: kizzle kazzle

noun. 1. In curling, a delivered stone that is intentionally wobbled to compensate for water, slush, or snow on the ice surface. 2. At Snoop Dogg’s house, a Kit Kat candy bar.

You want a Kizzle Kazzle? Fo’ shizzle nizzle!


The Fact:
Kevin Martin, the skipper of Canada’s undefeated top-seeded Olympic curling team, is so popular that even Wayne Gretzky is a fan. But not only that: Dude has to wear disguises out in public to avoid being stopped by fans.


The List: You Can’t Be Serious!
[Real Winter Olympic Events]

Skijoring (St. Moritz, 1928)
A competitor on skis is pulled by a horse and, as an added bonus, gets to smell equine ass the entire length of the course.

Sled Dog Racing (Lake Placid, 1932)
Only America and Canada competed. Canada won. The U.S. should have known better than to have used dachshunds.

Winter Pentathlon (St. Moritz, 1948)
Cross-country, downhill skiing, horse riding, shooting, and fencing. What is up with the cross-country skiing? Should have been macramé.

Bandy (Oslo, 1952)
A combination of soccer and hockey, only instead of a puck you use a ball. Kind of like peanut butter and jelly, only instead of jelly you use relish. A bad idea.

Speed Skiing (Albertville, 1992)
The sole purpose was to see which competitor could clock the fastest time going straight downhill. Nothing says cool like a posthumous gold medal.

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