Valentine’s Day is just a couple of weeks away… and this week’s best of The Toilet Paper, hits you with everything you wanted to know about Cupid’s favorite day.
The Number: 15%
Percent of U.S. women that send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.
You can bet, in this same group of women, each has a cache of D batteries under her bed as well.
“The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, philosopher, and poet
Ralph, you dirty dog. Who knew the leader of the transcendentalist movement could be so hysterical? The average “portion” given by a dude is roughly 5.5 inches.
The Word: Je t’aime
1. French for “I love you.”
… in case you can’t commit to saying it to her in English.
Teachers receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then sweethearts. Children between ages six to ten exchange more than 650 million Valentine cards with teachers, classmates, and family members.
Still stinging from the diss in fourth grade, Karen? You know who you are.
The List: Eureka! (Great Gift Ideas)
Jennifer Meyer Initial Necklace Pretty, sparkly, and much sexier than a name tag. Just don’t mix up your current girlfriend with an ex or a mistress and get the wrong initial.
Interlocking Pillowcases Not recommended for relationships less than a week old or for junior high sweethearts with strict parents.
White Leather Heart Book Finally! Somebody has made a white leather heart notebook!
Don Quixote First Edition Books For the bibliophile girl who deserves the best of the best, the rarest of the rare, and the hardest to find of the hardest to find in literature.
Casablanca, Collector’s Edition One of the best love stories captured on film, now in a special collector’s package for die-hard Bogart fans. Let her “bogart” your joint while you watch the film.
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