A while ago, I posted about KissAndDish.com, a site where people can go and post their most intimate secrets and problems. Then we, the general public, can chime in and play amateur Dr. Phils (that’s assuming the real Dr. Phil is actually a professional Dr. Phil), and give our advice. Or, as is necessary in some cases, mock them from the safety of behind-the-keyboard anonymity.
And since most of the comments offer very little actual advice, the guys from Masters of None and I decided to take our wealth of knowledge and expertise, and generously and selflessly share it with some of the sorrier guys who have posted. And as you’ll see below, there are some guys out there who desperately need some help. (Don’t agree with what we have to say? Leave your own two cents in the comments.)
Sorry Excuse for a Guy #1:
I am a 29 year old guy and I’m a virgin. I waited because I wanted to find a nice girl to sleep with first. It just took a lot longer than I thought. I’m dating a really great girl and haven’t told her yet. How do I tell her that I’m a virgin?
BG: First of all, let me say I’m not surprised it took you 29 years to find a “nice girl.” They’re mythical creatures, like unicorns and strippers who are actually putting themselves through grad school. But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is how do you tell this “really great girl” that there are 10th graders who are more experienced in the bedroom than you are. And there are 2 ways: 1- You can sit her down and tell her the truth. And if she really is a great girl, she’ll understand. Maybe laugh her ass off, but understand. And possibly be flattered. Or 2- You can not tell her beforehand, and get her in bed, in which case she’ll figure it out for herself in 3 seconds.
Mike: Sleep with her first, “surprise” her after. How good are you at masturbating? (BG: After 29 years of celibacy, I’d say he’s a master…)I say start timing your sessions. Once you start getting up to double digit minutes, you should be ready to go without looking like too much of a shmuck. Don’t get me wrong… you’ll still look like one a little. Also have her get on top…. you’ll last longer and you’re not expected to do all the work. Don’t try anything fancy the first time. You’re not Randy West yet… Shit, you’re barely Adam West.
Art: Didn’t they made a movie out of your life, and have the boss from “The Office” play you? It was a funny movie… do you have any of the fanboy collectibles? Cuz you can make money by selling those and then go to Vegas… no forget that Montreal. Three words my friend: St. Catherine Street. You go to Club Super Sex or any strip club and get almost the real thing. Then you will be ready, young padawan.
Or you can go the Jay-Z route from his part on Missy’s One Minute Man rap: “Look, I’m not tryin to give you love and affection (uh-huh) / I’m tryin to give you sixty seconds of perfection (uh-huh).” You can leave the “uh-huh’s” out if you want depending on how classy the broad is.
Jay: First of all, she’ll probably dig this, at least for novelty value. For her it’ll be like one of those wooden paddles with the rubber band attached to a superball. It’ll be fun to smack it around for a few seconds, then she’ll throw you in the bottom of her toybox. Just tell her she has to teach you, and to counteract your lameness say something like, “I’ve been waiting 29 years for the right woman, but you’ll do for now.”
Sorry Excuse for a Guy #2:
I know it’s normally the girl that hangs on to the relationship after it’s over, but I’m embarrassed to say I am the clingy one. We broke up 4 months ago but I still sleep with her t-shirt that smells like her and can’t take down her pictures.
BG: This is perfectly normal behavior. If you’re a budding serial killer. Toss the stuff and get back out in the field before the white coats come and throw a net over you. And take away your Man Card for good.
But if you have to hang on to those things, at least go all the way with it: Buy a blow up doll, put the t-shirt on it, and put one of her pictures over the face. Then take your “girlfriend” out to dinner, as your date to weddings, and to your next office function. Which will most likely be your last.
Mike: Dude…. dude… why are you in Emo mode? Burn that shit immediately. It’s not healthy. Seriously. She probably left you BECAUSE you were too clingy. Take a tip from one of the greatest dating advice movies of the past 20 years: Swingers: “Act like you don’t need the shit, they give you the shit for free.” Try being a bit of an asshole to women for a while… see how that fits you. Women already have a pussy, they don’t need to babysit yours.
Art: Before I start… what does the t-shirt smell like? If its Fruity Pebbles or Trix cereal, I’d say keep hanging on to it. If not, ditch it. Here is the thing about people being clingy” at first it’s cute (like all two minutes of it), then people get freaked out. So take the Michael Myers mask off and be normal. Don’t be THAT GUY. Start looking for a new victim… er, I mean girl. When you meet her, play it cool and take it slow. Get a hobby like listening to a podcast… might I suggest the Masters of None show?
Jay: I say Bravo to you. Keep the pictures and the shirt. Why should chicks get to always be the crazy ones? Men can do anything women can do, and do it better. (And get paid a higher salary for it, based on a nationwide survey.) Plus, she may come back to your place to get the shirt, in which case you put on some Huey Louis & The News. Make sure the chainsaw is gassed up.
Sorry Excuse for a Guy #3:
I am married but my wife won’t have sex with me. I have been celibate for the last 6 years, I am thinking about looking for some NSA fun. What do you all think?
BG: Head. Spinning. Too. Much. At. Once…
Ok. Let me get this straight: You got married and your wife hasn’t let you near her in SIX YEARS? And you are just NOW starting to think about getting some on the side??? And you want to know what I think? Here’s what I think: I think you should put the NSA fun on hold and instead start looking for a good divorce attorney. Because I’ll bet you the entire $37.84 in my bank account that the Mrs. has been NSAing for years.
Mike: Your wife is cheating on you. Or she’s fat and feels unattractive. Or you’re fat and don’t know that you’re unattractive. Or you’re both fat and the sheer idea of sex is just one hot mess. A geometrical nightmare really. Either way you need two things quickly… A private investigator and a personal trainer… or at least a gym membership.
Art: OUCH Dude! Six years of marriage and no sex? Is there any DHing at all? I know the cliché joke is once you’re married there is no sex, but WTF mate? What is your relationship like? Do you sleep in separate beds like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo? If that is the case there is your first problem. Push the beds together and you might have a shot.
Jay: First of all, I don’t even know what the hell NSA means. Does that mean you want to bang an astronaut? You should probably spend less time using clever Internet acronyms and either spend it showering or hitting on anything in your zip code with boobs. Including gay, fat men.
Hand out your own brand of advice at KissAndDish.com