Mall Santas. Think their job is just sitting on their butt all afternoon, attended to by an army of high school girls in elf costumes, waiting to collect a check? Yeah, me too.

But a recent survey sheds a new (twinkling) light on this red-suited occupation. Members of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (I swear I did not make that up) were asked about the joys of being Santa. The following are some of the highlights.

The average real-bearded Santa is 59-years-old, 5 feet 10 inches tall and a jolly 257 pounds.
30% have more than 100 kids sit on their lap every day.
More than 60% are coughed or sneezed on up to 10 times per day.
74% have up to 10 kids cry while on their lap each day.
Nearly 90% have their beard pulled all day long to see if it is real.
Almost 50% have up to 10 children try to pull their glasses off each day.
And finally: 34% have been peed on by a child.

Ever been peed on at your job? (Don't answer that.)

I just got sent a report that says verbal abuse by shoppers towards retail employees and call center workers is up dramatically this year. They even have a term for it when the employees go for help after the abuse: Critical Incident Stress Debriefings, or CISDs.

Shoppers struggling with time constraints, family obligations, and expensive shopping lists, are taking out their stress on retail workers. And acute-stress counseling sessions related to customer abuse have more than doubled since 2005.

I served time as an employee in a New York City department store. I can tell you I've seen many a half-crazed soccer mom – who just spent the last four hours dragging three whiny preschoolers all over Manhattan looking for the new Tickle-Me-Elmo – grab a sales clerk by the throat and unleash a torrent of language so profane it would make a dock worker blush.

Holidays are stressful. Holiday shopping is stressful. And believe me, I've been this close to choking the life out of some untrained idiot who can't tell me whether the camera I'm looking at has a digital or an optical zoom. All I'm saying is before you unload on that sales guy, take a deep breath and realize he's probably spent the last 14 hours dealing with more idiots than you could possibly imagine. Don't be another one.

If you are going to be in NYC this holiday season, the folks at Charmin - makers of fine toilet paper products, and whose ads feature bears way too happy to be shitting in the woods - want you to "rest" comfortably while you shop. So, as a gift to stressed New Yorkers and tourists, they have placed 20 free, deluxe, fully-staffed restrooms in and around the Times Square area.

Noble gesture. I grew up in NY and have done more than my share of shopping accompanied by females. And I can tell you, it's bad enough getting dragged all over Manhattan looking for gifts, but nothing can ruin your day more completely than a woman who has to pee so badly her eyeballs are floating, and you become the target of her rage because it's your fault she can't find a toilet seat suitably clean enough for her to sit on.

To solve that problem, Charmin says their attendants will "service each stall after every use." How'd you like that holiday job? Cleaning toilets after thousands of stressed out New Yorkers. Gotta be hazard pay included. (And am I the only person who thinks there's going to be a literal bum-rush of homeless people clamoring to use these facilities?)

Dubbed the "plushest flushes in town", the restrooms were opened with a ceremonial first flush (honestly, this really happened) by none-other than Doris Roberts. She played Ray's mom on "Everybody Loves Raymond." Geez. One minute you're the Emmy-winning star of the top-rated show on TV, the next you're the Grand Marshal of a port-a-potty opening. That's show biz.

The restrooms are open to the public daily from 8am - 11pm, and will close at 6pm Christmas Eve, and all day Christmas. So you late shoppers will have to find alternate locations to relieve yourselves.

Ticketmaster, the people who brought you $200 concert tickets (not including service charge), now make it even easier and more convenient to overpay for live entertainment. They have just launched their first-ever gift card program.

Available in denominations of $25 (for those Kevin Federline fans on your gift list) up to $250, the cards are good for participating events throughout the US. They can be redeemed at select venue box offices, Ticketmaster outlets, Charge-By-Phone, or online at www.ticketmaster.com.

And unlike K-Fed's career, they never expire.

For more info,
or to purchase gift cards,
go to www.ticketmaster.com/giftcards

So I get this email last week, and it has taken me this long to recover from laughing so I can write about it. Apparently Porsche now has a program where owners can buy a custom-made nameplate for the back of their car. So instead of one that says "Carrera", "Boxster" or "Targa", the ever-proud Porsche owner can now make an even bigger statement.

Some of Porsche's suggestions - and I am not making these up - are: "My Seventh", "Thanks Daddy", "Not Leased" and "Follow Me".

All good suggestions. Nonetheless, I decided to include some choices of my own. I polled some of my female friends, and asked them what they thought would be more appropriate words or phrases to have on the back of the typical Porsche. Here are their top five answers:
Number 5: "Poser"
Number 4: "Sugar Daddy"
Tied at number 3: "Pencil Dick" and "Self-Centered Egomaniac Who Cares More About His Damn Car Than Me"
Number 2: "Midlife Crisis"
And, coming in at a strong number 1, the ever popular "Overcompensating"

Available in black, silver, and gold, the plates are created in the same lettering as traditional Porsche nameplates, and cost $450 for up to five letters, and $60 for each additional letter.

If you are a Porsche owner and are still reading this, you can order online at www.nameyourporsche.com

I got an email yesterday that said OfficeMax is sponsoring what is likely to be crowned the World's Largest Rubber Band Ball by Guinness World Records.

I'm not a big follower of Rubber Band Ball Competitions. Not sure if there is a league or anything, operating in small towns across the US - And now, ladies and gentlemen, get up on your feet, and welcome yoooooooooour Altoona Elastics! - but I can see the general interest. Giant rubber band balls are impressive. Especially one that contains 175,000 bands, is over 5 1/2 feet tall and 19 feet around, and weighs about 4,000 pounds.

But here's what caught my eye when I read a little further into the email: Office Max is sponsoring the ball's creator, Steve Milton. Read that again: sponsoring the ball's creator. Sponsoring. As in paying. Steve is being paid by a major corporation to make huge balls out of rubber bands. Now THAT'S impressive. If you can talk a major corp into giving you a check to do something like that, you are a man among men.

Guinness will officially weigh the ball in downtown Chicago on November 21.

Unless you have been in a deep coma for the last couple of weeks, you know that tomorrow is one of the biggest college football games of the season. The number one ranked Ohio State Buckeyes take on the number two ranked Wolverines of Michigan.

This one has all the ingredients of an instant classic: It's one of the longest running rivalries in college sports history, with rabid fans that hate each other with passion (The University of Michigan even issued a travel advisory for fans heading into Ohio.) It's a Number One vs. Number Two match-up that not only gives the winner bragging rights for a year, but also lets them destroy their hated rival's chances for a shot at a national championship. Personally, I think it's better than the Super Bowl.

I'll be with my buddies - who all attended The Ohio State University - cheering on the Buckeyes at The Bru's Room, which will be packed to the rafters with Ohio fans who've been tailgating in the parking lot since 7 or 8 in the morning. Tailgating in the parking lot of a strip center before a college football game? It does not get any better than this in sports.

Like the saying goes, they save the best for last.

The final course we played this week was Kiva Dunes. Rated the #1 golf course in Alabama, and consistently ranked among the finest courses in the country, Kiva lies directly on the Gulf of Mexico, and, with it's signature dunes, winding lakes and wildlife areas, is one of the most beautiful courses I've seen. Notice I didn't say "played". That's because I didn't technically get to play Kiva dunes. While the other guys on the trip got to enjoy nine holes the day before, I had to head back to the house and take care of a work emergency. (Someone miscalculates a deadline, and I have to miss my tee time? Heads are rolling as I type this.)

We were set to play a full 18 yesterday, and a freak thunderstorm ripped through the entire state of Alabama. (I must have pissed off the Golf Gods at some point this week. Could be my swing. I'm not sure.)

Die-hards that we are, we got permission to tee off anyway. We jumped in the carts. With winds whipping off the Gulf. And a light rain stinging our faces. And it was still good.

At least the two-and-a-half holes I got to play were. I was on the par-3 third, looking for my ball in the reeds by a post and rail fence lining the lake, (My ball was still dry. I swear.) when the skies opened up and we took off for shelter.

Most everyone who got to play nine the day before said it was among the best they've played. And when a dozen or so top golf writers tell you a course is incredible, you listen.

For more info on Kiva Dunes head to www.kivadunes.com

And, as I've been telling you all week, to book a great golf trip to the Gulf Coast of Alabama head over to www.golfgulfshores.com. And if you talk to Doug, tell him BG told you.

Tip: When your trip is all about golf, do it right. Get the guys together and rent a house on the beach. Not a hotel room. A house. Hotel rooms are for business trips and nooners. A house is where guys gather after a full day on the links, have a beer, talk golf, play poker, and bust each other's balls. Like the gods intended.

We had 12 golf writers in a beach-front house all week and it would have been a completely different trip if we were all in separate hotel rooms. I felt like I was back in the frat house again. (Except there weren't sorority girls passed out in the corner. And the toilets worked.)

To arrange for your Alabama beach-front house contact Kaiser Realty at www.kaiserrealty.com

After two days, 45 holes of golf, and a dramatically changed view of the state of Alabama, (prior to my trip all I could think was: well, at least it's not Arkansas), a couple of things were going through my mind: 1 - Will my lower back hold out for another round, and 2 - Why isn't Alabama on more guy's lists of golf vacation choices? So far every course played has been better than the one before it. There are no crowds. The weather is ideal. And the hospitality is five-star.

Today I played the 27-hole championship course at Peninsula Golf Club. Sitting alongside Mobile Bay, the three nine-hole courses have a ton of eyeball. Rolling hills, crystal lakes, marsh grass. Like standing in a postcard. The wide fairways, and wide-open feel, draw you in and make it less intimidating for high handicappers. But the holes are still challenging enough to keep die hards coming back. Besides all that, I shot my best round of the week here, instantly making it my new favorite course.

Tip: Bring bug spray. Lots of it. I thought there were badass, aggressive mosquitos in Florida, but these were wearing trucker hats and had rebel flag tattoos.

www.peninsulagolfclub.com
For travel arrangements contact www.golfgulfshores.com

Yesterday we swung through the first of many rounds to be played in Gulf Shores, Alabama. (Source of Gulf Shores civic pride? It's home to the world's smallest Hooters Restaurant. I am proposing a new city motto: "Gulf Shores. Come See Our Tiny Hooters".)

We headed over to Craft Farms Golf Resort to play the only Arnold Palmer designed courses in the state, Cypress Bend and Cotton Creek. To say Arnold designs a great course is like saying Picasso painted some nice pictures.

Arnold laid out Cypress Bend (top) to wind and bend its way thru numerous lakes, sprawling bunkers, and sawgrass lowlands. Cotton Creek's more traditional layout features rolling hills dotted by southern hardwood trees and just enough water to keep it interesting. The sheer beauty of the courses have to be experienced to be believed.

And Craft Farms may be open to the public, but when I walked into the plush clubhouse, I felt like I was crashing a very exclusive members-only club. To top it off, the entire staff takes pride in providing outstanding service and Southern Hospitality. You'll feel like a member even if you're a yankee blogger hacking his way through their courses.

www.CraftFarms.com
For travel arrangements contact www.golfgulfshores.com

This week I am on a four-day golf trip to Gulf Shores, Alabama. (I know what you're thinking: Golf in Alabama? Are there actual courses, or do they just dig holes in the trailer parks and use the double-wides as hazards? Yes, there are actual courses. And they are spectacular.)

Sunday I played a course just over the Flori-Bama line in Pensacola, FL, called Lost Key. They have since renamed it "Lost Ball" in honor of me. I lost more balls there than the entire eunuch population of ancient Egypt.

The course went through an unwanted remodeling by Hurricane Ivan a couple years ago, when most of the trees that hugged the fairways were blown down. That doesn't make Lost Key any less challenging. Thick patches of scrub brush and reeds surround, line, and otherwise protect, much of the fairways and greens. Hit your shot a little too far to the left or right and you can kiss your balls goodbye. If you're looking for a course to test your shot placement abilities, this is the one.

Key hole: The infamous par 3 13th, pictured.

www.golfgulfshores.com

In a tremendous display of patriotism, AmericanFlags.com is offering free American flags to its website visitors in honor of Veteran's Day. Yup. Free.

The flags measure a full 3' x 5' and normally retail on their site for $19.99, plus S&H. Until Nov. 14th, up to 1 million visitors will get these flags for free and pay $5.99 for S&H.

To honor and thank the brave men and women of our armed forces, AmericanFlags.com wants "to make sure that our veterans, our troops and their families see a flag flying on every home in America, and understand the true depth of our gratitude on Veterans Day, and every day." Well said.

Get yours. And fly it proudly.

A buddy of mine sent me a link this morning. It's a video of a French guy named Jean-Yves Blondeau showing off a suit he invented. This suit is covered with 31 wheels that allow Monsieur Blondeau to roll down the streets of France - and transition into any position - at speeds up to 60 mph. (Which, I believe, in the metric system, is about 2700 kph).

The site it came from describes it as "pretty awesome, it's like break dancing, plus roller blading, plus street luge."

All I could think of was: 1 - How do I get one of these? and 2 - Is my insurance paid up?

Thanks to Kyle.
Watch

Next Monday, Nov. 13th, GSN - The Network for Games, (I guess "The Gameshow Network" wasn't "edgy" enough), will host a four show marathon of their series, High Stakes Poker.

Running from 8pm - 12am ET, the broadcast is sponsored by Casino Royale, the new James Bond flick. For those of you who haven't read the book, seen the trailers, been to the official website, or been bombarded by countless tie-ins, the movie depicts 007's first mission, which includes a high-stakes poker game at Casino Royale. Hence the title.

GSN's High Stakes Poker is TV's only cash game of poker, where each player must put up a minimum buy-in of $100,000. Unlike other televised poker shows, the players here might have several hundred thousand dollars of their own money riding on the flop. Makes for a hell of a lot more pressure. And pissed off losers.

The marathon will include interviews with the movie's stars, along with behind-the-scenes footage from the film. And, best of all, it's co-hosted by Gabe (Mr. Kotter) Kaplan. I'm all in.

This is an open letter to That Guy in the gym last night. You know who you are. You wanted to stand out in the crowd of us mere mortals who were simply trying to get a workout in. This was your stage. And we, your unwilling audience. I want you to know: Yes, we noticed you.

You first grabbed our attention when you began shadow boxing in the mirror. Between sets that included overly dramatic grunting on each rep. Right before you started posing and smiling at yourself approvingly.

Let me assure you of two things: 1 - We know you are a bad ass. I mean, we saw your tribal arm band tattoo and black skull bandana, right? No need to throw random punches and kicks in the air. We weren't planning on messing with a man of your obvious prowess. Or getting near your "stuff".

And, 2 - Yes, we were incredibly impressed with how much weight (iron? tonnage? scrap metal?) you were using (pushing? pumping? throwing around?) during your arm workout. Or, as I'm sure you like to call it, "Feeding the Pythons". We could tell how heavy it was from the loud floor-shaking thud it made when you dropped it repeatedly from waist height.

Rest assured, none of us in there could stop staring at you all night. Guys were dully impressed. Women were swooning. You were the center of attention. So there is no need to repeat this show. Just come in. Make sure you are wearing a cut-off t-shirt so we can see that arm band of yours. Nod. And we'll be impressed. I promise.

One of my favorite movies of all time, a buddy sent me this "preview for Mike Judge's new psychological thriller".

Put down your stapler and watch.

I was in a shoe store this weekend, trying to find a pair of casual, but not too casual, brown shoes. [The ones I have, and love, are apparently "too casual" to wear out to dinner. So says a certain female].

It was bad enough that in the store there were so many pairs of pink, green, yellow, and purple dress shoes for men that it looked like the Muppets exploded. But what I saw next really chapped my ass.

Above-mentioned female and I were looking at some shoes next to a display of belts. The belts were in a variety of bright pastel colors and had large, elaborate, rhinestone-covered buckles in the shape of lizards, coiled snakes, gaters, skulls, whatever, on them.

Salesguy asked if we liked them. Said they were new. Above-mentioned female answered, politely, that they were very nice, but she had too many rhinestone covered belts already. "No, no," says Salesguy, "these belts are for men."

These. Belts. Are. For. Men.

I looked at the display again. Maybe I missed something. Nope. Same as before: pink and red and orange and bright green. With colored rhinestone-encrusted buckles. And more stones frolicking down the leather.

For men? I was dumbfounded. And apparently my expression projected my shock to Salesguy, so he follows with "Oh, yes. And we are selling them like crazy."

Like. Crazy.

Guys. Help me out here. If you can tell me a situation where it is ok for a guy to wear an orange belt with a rhinestone-encrusted gecko on it, tell me. I want to know. Please. [Ok. Maybe a country music video. But even that's pushing it].

I read GQ. I read Esquire. I consider myself pretty knowledgeable and fashion-forward. But this? I'm not buying it. And neither should you.

If, while watching yesterday's running of the New York City Marathon, you were thinking "With a little training I could run that thing", or "How do I meet some of those fitness chicks in shorts?", I found something you'll like.

RUN NYC is a fitness service that offers over 20 guided running tours of the Big Apple, perfect for the runner looking to explore NY on foot or meet new people. Much different than the city's usual chasing-after-the-guy-who-stole-your-wallet run, these routes let you see the parks, bridges, streets and neighborhoods of the city in a way you never could on a tour bus. They'll even create custom routes if there is something particular you'd like to see. And, for you business travelers, it beats running on the hotel treadmill.

The cost is $50 for the first six miles, and $4 per mile for each additional mile (just like a ride in a gypsy cab!), with group discounts available. Included are an NYC RUN T-shirt, discounts at local and national running stores, recovery drink, and digital pics.

www.nycrun.com for more info.

If I have to hear Justin Timberlake warble that he is "bringing sexy back" one more time, I'm going to shave my head, climb a tower, and start shooting strangers.

I'm just saying.

I saw this on boingboing.net today and thought it was worth sharing.

They write:
Flickr user Daniel W lovingly documents his wonderful Hallowe'en cardboard maze: "Constructed out of cardboard boxes, duct tape, and 300 bolts. The maze spans two rooms and a hallway."

Cardboard maze. 300 bolts. In his house. I don't know whether to applaud the guy, or send help.

More pics here.

Absolut Vodka and Esquire magazine have teamed up to bring back a little of the old Vegas tradition of themed suites. The two-level, 1380 square foot “Find Your Flavor” suite at Caesars Palace is divided into six areas, each inspired by Absolut flavors, including Mandrin, Raspberri, Vanilia, Ruby Red, Cintron, and Apeach.

Awesome. I miss the old images of Elvis, Frank, Dino and others chilling in the Jungle Room or the Emperor’s Suite. Glad to see someone bringing it back.

My favorite is the the Apeach room, (shown in the top pic), which is made to look like a built-in pool with a “raft” bed in the middle. It’s screaming for a bikini-filled pool party.

For info on the suite head to
www.absolut.com
or to www.caesarspalace.com for reservations.

I'm not sure whether to contact her immediately, or go hide under the bed.
Link

[Link sent in by Chuck H of Tucson, AZ.]

If you see a personal ad that is funny, creative, outrageous, or just plain wrong, email me at hey@thebachelorguy.com

Sometimes things just strike me as funny. This is one of those times.

I got a press release today that said Hooters Restaurants is going to be one of the first chains to roll out a program called Pay at the Table. (Full disclosure: I write a column that appears in Hooters Magazine. I'm not technically employed by them, so there shouldn't be any conflict in writing about them. But I do get to go to events sometimes). That last part was just bragging.

This is apparently an effort to combat identity theft – your credit card never leaves your hand, the Hooters Girl comes to you with her Pay@Table device. Great. I’m totally on board. Identity theft is horrible.

Here’s the part that gets me: I have been to many, many Hooters restaurants. I have been to many, many events where there are Hooters Girls. I have gotten to know many of the Girls. (Again, just bragging). I have seen how guys act around them. I have heard what guys say to them.

So: Picture a beautiful girl in a tight tank top with tons of cleavage spilling out, walking up to a table full of beered-up guys and telling them to swipe their card. I’ve gotta figure at least a half dozen idiots a day will lunge at her chest.