New Frontier, the folks who brought us TEN, The Erotic Networks, has teamed up with Penthouse Media Group to launch Penthouse TV.

Showcasing the most popular features of the Penthouse brand -- including Penthouse Forum, Penthouse Pets, interviews with celebrities, original programming, full length movies, product reviews and amateur video submissions -- a video on demand service should be available in about six months. At which point you will be required to hide your TV under the bed.

You can see a preview at www.penthousetv.com

1. Chinese Throwing Stars – Pointy and deadly. ‘Nuff said.

2. Super Glue – Because the world is an imperfect place. If it wasn’t, well, why would an assassin be chasing you?

3. Swiss Army Knife – Terrifying and sharp as the Swiss people themselves.

4. iPhone – To frustrate any assassin trying to type an email or SMS.

5. Morgan Grimes – Clouseau had Cato, Fred had Barney, Tango had Cash… I have Morgan. Mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns.

6. Adidas Track Suit – Comfortable, slimming, elegant, enchanting.

7. Butter – What? Butter isn’t delicious?

8. Nintendo Wii – If you’re going to outrun an assassin you better know how to play Wii Tennis.

9. A Spork – As I’ve always said: the best offense is a good defense.

10. Flamethrower – Because sometimes it’s easier to get your point across by shooting fire out of a gun than it is if you don’t have the capability to shoot fire out of a gun.

(Hack my laptop at www.chuckssecret.com)