Summer’s here, the weather’s heating up, and bikinis are popping up at beaches and pools nationwide. You’re lying to yourself if you think you won’t be staring. And getting caught. But if you didn’t push forward anyway and go for the hook up, you’d have to turn in your Guy Card.
With that in mind, here is your Field Guide to the North American Bikini. Read it. Learn it. So when she says, “What the hell are you looking at?” you can tell her you were just admiring her choice of bandeau top and low cut bottoms with keyhole tie sides. She still might think you’re a jerk. But at least you’re an educated jerk.
[Thanks to Ujena Swimwear for their expertise and photography.]
|The Classic Polka Dot Bikini – This is the one that made bikinis famous, and this year look for lots of dots. The top is classic triangle style. Note the tie side bottoms. They’re adjustable, allowing her to get a perfect fit. (Or quick removal.) Look for girls wearing this one to be fun, easygoing, and down to earth. And approachable.|
|The Banded Thong Bikini – A little sportier, this one has the same triangle top, but adds a fold-over banded thong bottom. (Thongs have just slightly more coverage than the sexier G-String, often called "butt floss".) A good mix of sporty and sexy, girls wearing one are more likely to grab one of your beers and toss the football around.|
|The Halter Top – The halter provides a little more coverage. And support. Typically worn by those with a little more up top. The bottoms are "full scoop" – full coverage in the back, scooped in the front like her low-rider jeans. You might consider the wearer to be a bit more conservative. Don’t be fooled.|
|The Bandeau Top – Lack of over the shoulder straps make this a favorite for sun worshippers. This one has a ruffle border that’s popular right now. She’s there to tan, not for a lot of physical activity. Your overly obvious invitation to "go for a jog" will be turned down. Your not so obvious one to play volleyball will too.|
|The Jungle Print Bandeau – This top has a twist to the standard bandeau: it can be worn with or without the removable tie around the neck. Jungle print shows her wild side. Check for claws before approaching.|
|The Ruffle Underwire – This top offers the most support you can get from a swimsuit. Note: Use caution when unhooking.|
|The Figure Shaper Bikini – Full coverage bikini. Halter style top has a banded support at the bottom. To, um, hold everything up better. The high sliding bottoms give full coverage in the rear. Black is the most popular bikini color, but also camouflages. However, she didn’t go for the "cover everything" one piece. She’s conservative, but not that conservative.|
|The Metallic Stretch Bikini – This one is called the Sin City. Pure Vegas. Note the single Keyhole Tie on one side. She knows guys are distracted by shiny objects. She’s looking for attention. Give it to her.|
|The Crochet Bikini – Has triangle top and side ties on the low rise bottoms, but hand knitting makes it unique. Wearer will most likely be free-spirited, independent and daring. Stop trying to see nipple through the knit.|
|The Gauze G-String – It doesn’t get more revealing than this. Gauze is sheer when wet. And she knew that when she bought it. She’s an exhibitionist. She wants you – and every other sap on the beach – to look at her. Only the most experienced should approach.|
|The French Maid – Triangle top with Brazilian-style, side tie bottoms have ruffles designed to look like a classic French maid outfit. She’s role playing. On the beach. Showing you her kinky side, and you don’t even know her. She’s out of your league. You’re not ready yet. Back away slowly and go look for a Banded Thong Bikini.|