Just when you thought we couldn't think up any more creative and ridiculous ways to kill ourselves in the pursuit of fame, fortune and easily impressed women, come a few more actual inventions by actual guys, that were granted actual patents. These were discovered by Scott Seegert, after the publication of his book, It's a Guy Thing, and they prove, once again, there's no limit to the male imagination.






Nicholas's Portable Rotisserie Tanner (1954)
Every wonder what’s it like to be a chicken? Me either. But apparently Nicholas did as he looked at the birds roasting at his local butcher shop, turning all golden brown as they cooked, and thought, "Look at how tan those guys are getting!" So he cooked up this great idea: strap yourself into giant roaster, be turned slowly around until golden brown on all sides (except for those white horizontal lines where the bars are), then get out and enjoy a Lucky Strike with your fellow future melanoma patients. This thing would work better fulfilling Frank Perdue’s sexual fantasies than it would as a tanning device.

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If you've ever been woken up in the middle of the night thinking, "I could really go for a beef and bean burrito right now", but were too lazy to get out of bed to heat one up, you need an iWave Cube.

A portable 600 watt microwave, the iWave was designed to bring the heat to any place where space is at a premium. Taking up less than a cubic foot of space at just 10" x 10.5" x 12" and weighing in at only 12 lbs, use it in the bathroom to heat towels for a better shave, in the bedroom to warm up heating pads after a workout, or on your desk to heat stale office coffee.

The built-in handle makes it perfect for tailgate parties, dorm rooms, picnics or pool parties - wherever you can find a standard outlet. Add a mini fridge and anywhere becomes a satellite kitchen.

$129.95 in Black or Silver
Available at SharperImage.com

Ever been sitting for hours in bumper to bumper rush hour gridlock and thought, jeez traffic sucks? So did the guys over at Doc Johnson. Only their vision of traffic sucking is a little different than yours.

Designed for "lonely riders on long road trips", their Auto Suck (with hot-rod action!), is a "world famous road masturbator that plugs into any 12V car lighter" and features a mouth-like tube and a ribbed interior. A remote control operates the vacuum function, giving you a "lifelike experience behind the wheel". And one hell of an embarrassing police report after your rear-end the car in front of you, mid-"experience".

(Bonus: The box art alone sends it off the charts on the Gag Gift Meter. You've gotta love the 70's muscle car, the flaming logo, and the guy wearing what appears to be a silk bathrobe while driving. A classic.)

$38.88
www.DocJohnson.com

While flash drives get more compact and increase their ability to hold more and more data, one pocket-sized data transfer device gives you the flexibility to handle up to 16GB, and store multiple packages of data, in a keychain-sized body.

The 5-n-1 Pocket Drive Reader/Writer from Iogear, looks like your typical USB 2.0 flash drive, until you flip up the back flap and expose the hidden port. This is where you slide your Secure Digital (SD) or Multimedia Card (MMC) from your camera, PDA or MP3 player, or any other compatible electronic device.

Once the card is in the port you can transfer data or images to and from the card and your computer at speeds up to 480 mbs. There's no driver necessary, and it works with both PC and Mac platforms. And swapping out cards eliminates the need for multiple flash drives. Great for inexpensive (and temporary) back up, or for taking large files along on business trips.

Online from $12-$15
www.iogear.com

Wanna feed that secret super spy lurking beneath your middle management exterior? Created primarily for security guards, cops and bouncers, the new Flashlight DVR Compact Digital Video Recorder from Swann is one of those James Bond-like devices that's too cool not to own. Even if you have no practical use for it.

The Flashlight DVR is an all-in-one rechargeable flashlight, still camera and camcorder (with built-in mic), encased in a high-strength aluminum alloy case that's anodized for corrosion resistance and durability. Essential when used in dangerous covert operations like snapping pics of classified documents in dark foreign embassies, or videotaping the neighbor's dog using your yard as a bathroom.

For true stealth missions, it has night vision capability so you can shoot in low light without arousing suspicion. It records in MPEG4 at 640x480, and will get you about 8 hours of QVGA recording on a 1GB SD card. (It supports up to 4GB of external flash storage.) The USB 2.0 port let's you download your pics and videos to your hard drive for archiving.

And there's even a panic siren should your cover get blown and you need to alert your backup. Or scare off a squatting dog.

$399
www.swannsecurity.com

Good news for fans of The Boss: E Street Radio has returned to SIRIUS Satellite Radio through March '08. Until then, Channel 10 will be dedicated to playing all Bruce, all the time. With guest DJs like E Street Band members Clarence Clemons, Nils Lofgren and Roy Bittan, giving you an insider's look into live in the band.

Huge Bruce fan and don't own a satellite radio? You can win one here. SIRIUS and I will be giving away a Sportster 4 radio (pictured) and a copy of Springsteen's latest studio CD, Magic, on Friday, December 28th. Click here to enter.

Even if you don't win, you can still get yourself some free Bruce. And a free radio. Head over to www.sirius.com/estreetradio to get ...More

Back in the day, guys used to make their own seltzer or soda water to drink - or to mix into drinks - by shooting CO2 into water bottles. (If you've ever seen a Three Stooges movie, you've seen the device they used.) They could control the amount of fizz depending on how many squirts of gas they put in, and add flavors to punch up the taste.

If you want to do the same at home, for about half of what it costs to buy soda, try the Soda-Club. We gave one a shot at the BG Test Kitchen and found it's pretty quick and easy to mix up a batch of homemade soda.

Simply fill the carbonating bottle with water, screw it into the machine and press the button to release a shpritz of CO2. The more you press, the fizzier the water. ...More

You put all that money and effort into building a tricked out home theater. 56" flat screen hooked into a blu-ray player. Top-end surround sound system so you can feel the explosions as well as hear them. And big, comfy seating so she can curl up next to you during the movie. So when she wants popcorn with her double feature, shaking some Jiffy-Pop over the stove, or tossing a bag of popcorn into the microwave, kind of ruins the whole "theater" illusion.

Instead, use the Retro Popcorn Maker, a counter-top sized replica of the diner-style poppers from the 50s. Just measure the right amount of poppable corn in the measuring cap, pour it in and turn the unit on. In a few minutes you'll have a large bowl of fresh, hot, non-microwave-tasting popcorn.

And it uses hot air instead of oil ...More

Corkscrews have gotten so high-tech lately, that there's barely any effort needed to pull a cork. Notice I said "pull" and not "pop". With all the new technology being put into removing corks from bottles smoothly and effortlessly, the satisfying "pop" that used to announce the opening of a new bottle has become as rare as the bell-induced ring of an old phone.

Over at Built NY, they missed the sound of corks popping, and the days when opening a bottle of wine was as much a part of the experience as drinking it. So they developed the Wine Ratchet Magnum. It's half ratchet wrench, half old-school corkscrew. With some updated touches.

Because having the right tool for the job stops you from tearing the cork in half (corkscrew was too short), or piercing the bottom of the cork and getting fragments in the wine (corkscrew too long), the Magnum let's you choose your weapon ...More

In case you were too busy with family to catch the games this week, or if you're unfortunate enough to have to miss any games due to "previous commitments", you can still get all the quarter-by-quarter scores delivered right to you. Without a computer or cell phone.

Hitting stores in December, Football ScoreCast from Ambient Devices lets you check scores, standings, schedules and match-ups all week long, from anywhere, eliminating the need to flip channels or surf the web. You can select individual team and division info, too. (Ignore the inof in the photo. Miami would kill to be 6-7 right now. Hell, they'd kill to be 1-7.)

No set up is necessary, just ...More