Starting today, I’ve got a new contributor, Ian Coburn, who’ll be writing a weekly column called “Lunch is Not a Date”.
Ian’s a standup comedian and the author of the bestselling book, God is a Woman: Dating Disasters, and he’s got some interesting, and unique, views on the dating scene, so listen up. His first post is on the new way of dating…
I read an article in a Chicago paper today about how “dating is dead.” “The idea of dating makes me tired but there may be hope for us all,” wrote the author at the start. It went on to complain about all the aspects of meeting people and dating. In the end, like every other article ever written about dating, it came to one incredible groundbreaking conclusion… Can you guess it? I know you know it; all dating advice ends with it… yup—“just be yourself.” Yeah, because being yourself is working so well; that’s why you’re reading an article about dating. You read a whole article on dating which bitches about all the things you hate, too; that are happening because you are being yourself, and in the end, the article that promises you an epiphany, ends by plopping you right back where you started with “just be yourself.”
Yet, most of us feel better reading such an article, which is why “be yourself” is regurgitated in an endless chain of dating “advice” articles. (Can “be yourself” really be considered advice? How is that different from, say, pointing at a book and advising, “Be a book.” Ooh, that’s good advice. Way to make that book be a book! You’ve helped it tremendously.) That’s because most of us believe dating can’t be changed; the uncomfortable aspects of it go with the territory. So, like most self-help, we’re just looking for affirmation that everyone experiences what we experience and we are doing just fine. If it was cost-effective, they’d tape a lollipop next to dating articles for you to suck on after reading.
Hate to tell you but that’s BS. I love dating. Meeting women and going out is an absolute blast. How is that possible? Simple: I eliminate all those uncomfortable aspects of dating we believe have to go with the territory. They simply are no longer part of the equation. Here’s how I do it: (Over the next several columns, I’ll examine each of these items in detail, using examples from my own life to illustrate.)
1 – No fear.
Don’t whine about how someone is out of your league or hesitate. If I did that, my penis would have become a dried up raisin years ago.
2 – Don’t get digits, get a date.
Don’t ask if you can call or for her number. Ask her out to something related to the conversation.
3 – Set the tone on the date.
Your job is to give her something to work with—know where you’re going to go, have reservations, know where to park, have enough cash…
4 – Stay confident.
No comments like, “I can’t believe you’re out with me,” or questions like, “You can go out with any guy, why are you here with me?” Women want confident men.
5 – Kiss in the moment.
A kiss is about passion and the moment, especially to women. Don’t wait until the end of the date. Instead, act in the right moment when you both feel it.
6 – Set the next date while on the current one.
Plan the next date while on the current one through the first three dates.
Most people fail to recognize the key to dating is momentum. These simple steps build momentum by eliminating all the uncomfortable aspects of dating that people agonize over—How long should I wait before calling? Should I try to kiss her at the end of the date? When can I ask her out again? Is he going to try to give me a goodnight kiss? Will he call? I haven’t thought about any of that crap in years; instead, I just get to enjoy the woman and our time together.
I didn’t always like dating but I started to as soon as I implemented these steps. How did I do it? By changing myself. That’s right, I made dating better by not being myself. Ooh, what a concept. I’m not here to make you feel good about yourself (that’s what mommies are for) and you’re not reading this because you don’t actually want any additional insight to draw from, so no “be yourself” in this column. If you want that, watch Oprah. That’s why The Bachelor Guy and I hooked up and I’m happy to be here—to give you honest, real advice that you can put to use.
Next column: 1 – No fear and 2 – Get a date not digits.
Be sure to pick up a copy of Ian’s bestselling book (not only because it’s full of good stuff, but also because I’m not paying him), God is a Woman: Dating Disasters.