In a move fitting the promotion of a movie within a movie where real actors play fake actors shooting a pretend action film in a actual war zone (that they don't know is really real), the studio, Paramount Pictures, has licensed a fictitious brand as a real beverage.

Based on the positive reaction during screenings to a satirical commercial for Booty Sweat, a made up energy drink that appears throughout the movie Tropic Thunder, Paramount has decided to license an actual drink that will be available at retailers nationwide, as well as on Amazon.com and in college bookstores, to help crank up the movie's promotion machine.

In an AdAge.com interview, Michael Corcoran, Paramount's president of consumer products, said "several hundred thousand" cases of Booty Sweat have already been produced.

And those cases have been targeted to specific audiences. The drink will be available in two different packages, one designed for the urban market, and one for the rural market. Those buying Booty Sweat in major cities will get treated to a description of it as a "delicious and bump up struttin' energy drink that will pump up a brotha's ass right-pronto. This swill will crank yo' metabolism up skippin' right over jiggy to straight G-pimp level, word to your mutha. Brothas will be layin' down the 2-3 on the wiggy jig focusing the energy flow into cold-face benjamins that will fill yo' pimp pockets to burstin'. Damn straight! Booty Sweat will keep a brotha pitchin' straight game all night to the baby-dolls." Those in rural areas, who apparently don't rate a clever description, just get ...More

The ridiculously high cost of gas may be what's got everyone grabbing pitchforks and torches and calling for a revolution, but gasoline isn't the only utility draining money away from your weekend entertainment fund. Electric bills are set to jump this summer as well. And powering your 42" plasma and the rest of those high-tech gadgets you bought back when you actually had equity in your home to borrow against, is gonna cost you. Especially if you're not watching how you use it, or don't realize where it's being wasted.

According to recent studies, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) estimates that the average family household is spending nearly $2,000 per year in utility costs. And wasteful kitchen appliances alone are at fault for almost half of these costs. That's a whole bunch of Benjamins that could be back in your pocket. So here are some tips to help you reduce your need for the juice, and give you a greener (as in more money) summer.

Clothes Washer:
1 - Only use your clothes washer when you have large loads to do and avoid using warm/hot water unless necessary. And if that means buying more boxers to make it to the weekend, so be it.

Refrigerator:
2 - Avoid overheating by allowing a space of at least one inch between the wall and the back of the refrigerator. This will help allow air to circulate and control the temperature.
3 - Try to steer clear of placing your fridge by areas that produce heat. Radiators, vents, heat ducts, stoves, and even sunlight from your windows can cause the unit to use more power than needed.
4 - Check the temperature of both your fridge and freezer regularly. Keep the fridge between 35 and 38 ...More

She's coming over in a half hour and your place is a wreck from the poker game last night. You go to clean the stale beer coagulating with chip crumbs on the coffee table, and realize you're out of glass cleaner. Screwed? Not if you know what to grab from your kitchen.

Using only three main ingredients: water, baking soda and white vinegar, you can cook up some homemade cleaners that'll get your place back to date-shape before she shows up. And for a helluva lot less than the cleaners you buy in the store.

All Purpose Cleaning Solution:
1 cup Vinegar
1 cup Water
1 spray bottle

Pour vinegar and water into a spray bottle and shake. Use this for daily wipe-downs of the counter in your kitchen or bathroom, or for small spills on the stove-top. If you want to add some scent use one or two drops of lemon, orange or pine oil and shake the bottle before use. These oils are great for ...More

They're older. They're more experienced. And, according to the current trend, they're dating younger. They're MILFs and Cougars. If you've had the pleasure of being in the company of one or the other (or both, you lucky bastard), you know what the buzz is about.

For you younger guys who don't, you're going to need to be able to spot them, understand their behaviors and safely navigate their stalking grounds. While there may be some similarities between the two, there are also some important differences. So in the interest of furthering your knowledge (and pursuit) of each species, here is your Practical Guide to MILFs and Cougars. Happy hunting.

SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION -
MILF: Mommialis Coitusdesirus
Cougar: Wrinklithicae Hornithalia


DEFINITION -
MILF: An acronym for Mom I'd Like to F*ck, the term gained widespread popularity after it was used in the film, American Pie. Some MILFs may still be married, but the recently divorced are the only ones you can safely pursue. (Unless you want her husband hunting you.) Some may eventually develop into full-blown Cougars.

Cougar: A woman generally over 40, who has "been around the mountain" a time or two. She may be long divorced, or in the case of particularly predatory Cougars, may never have been married.
...More

Why? Because it's smart. It's convenient. It's fair. And it's designed to eliminate parking tickets. So basically it runs contradictory to everything city governments were built on.

I understand that parking meters are necessary. What I don't understand is why cities insist on using antiquated systems. Or why the whole thing has to be so damn adversarial. (If you've ever stood, quarters in hand, pleading with a smirking meter maid writing a $30 ticket, your meter expired for just 2 minutes, while she shakes her head and tells you it's too late, gimme an Amen.)

I do my fair share of metered parking when I go out downtown. Much of the time I'm going to dinner with a date. Who wants to interrupt an interesting conversation - that's getting more and more interesting as the wine flows - to leave and run three blocks to throw another bunch of change into a "2 Hours Maximum" parking meter? (While that smarmy waiter/actor/model/personal trainer hits on your girl.)

I just got some info on Photo Violation Technologies, a company out of Vancouver, BC that has developed a new, technologically advanced meter called the PhotoViolationMeter, that not only makes paying for parking easier, it makes getting a ticket as outdated as David Hasselhoff's hair. ...More

Hang on, boys. Don't get all defensive - I'm not here to point fingers and call you all out as a slobbering, drooling, certified perverts. I'm just trying to open your eyes to some usually well-meant and harmless behaviors even the most well-intentioned guys sometimes do. Why? Because although I know you mean well, our perception outweighs your intent. And you don't want to be perceived as a pervert, creep or loser, do you? This is inside information, just for you.

1. Accidental Breast Touch Number 2:
Accidental Breast Touch Number 1 will be written off as an accident - provided it doesn't linger - but ABT #2 means you're just trying to cop a feel. And hope I will write it off as another "accident", or that my breast-based nerve cells and unsophisticated girl brain are not receptive to your stealthy, ninja-like boob brush. Rendering me oblivious while you get your jollies. Which isn't the case, perv.

This actually happened to me recently. ...More

I've posted the results of survey after survey that show a lot of people are not satisfied with their sex lives. (Link) And no wonder.

Someone sent me a link to the Sex Position of the Week posted on Cosmo's website, (which has links to their other positions as well.) Judging from the pictures and descriptions - and the fact that they are all water-based - I'm going to assume this is their Summer Collection. I'm also going to assume someone at Cosmo has a brother-in-law who is a personal injury attorney.

Some of these would challenge the acrobats of Cirque Du Soleil, let alone a 30-something couch-jockey with a bum knee. Compare them to the relatively tame positions suggested to guys by Men's Health, which I linked to on Tuesday. Most of us could safely add those to our repertoire without tearing an ACL or losing an eye. And still get the job done.

Don't get me wrong. I'm always up for throwing in a new trick or two. But I gotta question whether Cosmo actually "field tested" any of these (and Cosmo, if you need a volunteer, you know where to find me), before throwing them out there for our girls to get a hold of. I mean, they may look good on paper but...

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"Sit on the second-to-last (rock-hard) stair in the shallow end of the pool with your legs spread... Have your man stand between your legs with his arms on either side of you as he enters you. He can lean on his hands for leverage as he thrusts wildly." Smashing your spine and tailbone against the textured concrete stairs as skin tears away from your ass, back, elbows and his shins. ...More

MSN just ran a story about a lawn care company in Tennessee that uses girls in bikinis to do yard work. The owner charges a "premium" for the service, and apparently business is booming. So I started thinking: what other businesses and services could benefit from a little blatant sexual exploitation?

Dentist - Everyone dreads going to this drill-happy sadist, but every guy on the planet would look like Matt Dillon in "Something About Mary" if the work was done by G-string wearing (insert butt-floss joke here) dental assistants instead. My tooth enamel would be worn down to the nub from the monthly cleanings I'd be getting.

Flight Attendant - Airlines in bankruptcy? Pilots on strike? Never again. If there were hot flight attendants in bikinis roaming the aisles I'd commute to work through Cincinnati every day.

Plumber - When have you ever heard a guy say, "Thank God, I have to call the plumber"? Exactly. But if it was Madame Suzette's Thong and Wrench Plumbing Service, I'd have a leaky pipe every weekend. ...More

1. Fantasy vs. Reality:
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Things always seem to play out better in your head. Except in the case of threesomes.

2. Knowledge Needs to be Prioritized:
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Sports stats, winning poker hands, what goes in a Gimlet? Stored. Her phone number? That's why God invented speed dial.

3. The Truth:
Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
Fact: This is a universal truth.

4. Women:
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds ... it makes ice.
Don't forget "provides food..."

5. Compassion for Your Fellow Man:
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.
No matter how bad your buddy is feeling, you'd be remiss if you let an opportunity pass to screw with him while he's vulnerable.
...More

We guys are an inventive and creative bunch. Always looking for ways to make our lives easier, keep us from killing ourselves and make us more attractive to women. (And possibly get ridiculously rich in the process.) But sometimes a few of us go a little too far when channeling our inner Thomas Edison.

Here are some real, honest-to-goodness patented guy inventions unearthed by Scott Seegert in his recently published book, "It's a Guy Thing: Awesome Real Innovations From the Underdeveloped Male Mind". The illustrations are the inventors' actual drawings, taken directly from the official paperwork filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office. The year the patent was awarded is included to give you some perspective on where the male mind was during that time. Sure they're ridiculous. Even insane. But the sad reality is there are more than a few we secretly wish we had. Here are ten that we should be glad we have no access to.


Albert's Helmet-Mounted Pistol (1953)
Why should we actually have to hold a weapon in our hand? We're guys. Our hands are too busy doing other guy things to be involved in a firefight. Our head isn't doing much. So, thought Albert, if I just strap a gigantic pistol to my melon I can keep my hands free for more important things. ...More