I've posted the results of survey after survey that show a lot of people are not satisfied with their sex lives. (Link) And no wonder.

Someone sent me a link to the Sex Position of the Week posted on Cosmo's website, (which has links to their other positions as well.) Judging from the pictures and descriptions - and the fact that they are all water-based - I'm going to assume this is their Summer Collection. I'm also going to assume someone at Cosmo has a brother-in-law who is a personal injury attorney.

Some of these would challenge the acrobats of Cirque Du Soleil, let alone a 30-something couch-jockey with a bum knee. Compare them to the relatively tame positions suggested to guys by Men's Health, which I linked to on Tuesday. Most of us could safely add those to our repertoire without tearing an ACL or losing an eye. And still get the job done.

Don't get me wrong. I'm always up for throwing in a new trick or two. But I gotta question whether Cosmo actually "field tested" any of these (and Cosmo, if you need a volunteer, you know where to find me), before throwing them out there for our girls to get a hold of. I mean, they may look good on paper but...

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"Sit on the second-to-last (rock-hard) stair in the shallow end of the pool with your legs spread... Have your man stand between your legs with his arms on either side of you as he enters you. He can lean on his hands for leverage as he thrusts wildly." Smashing your spine and tailbone against the textured concrete stairs as skin tears away from your ass, back, elbows and his shins.





LADDER LOVIN'
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"This position requires some maneuvering. (And a complete disregard for personal safety.) Climb down to the second-to-last rung of the pool ladder. Do a 180, holding the (suntan oil-soaked) rails, so your back is to the wall. Lean forward and spread your legs so your guy can lower himself behind you and place his feet between your legs on the rung below you. (I'm gonna need a diagram, please. Possibly a training video.) Adjust your bodies so he can slip himself inside you." And knock you face-first into the water with his first thrust. Unless only one hand breaks free, in which case you'll simply spin and fall hard, tangling and cutting your legs in the ladder. Erotically, of course. (Not to mention the pain inflicted on Little Bruno when your full body weight drops on him unexpectedly.) I know people who have trouble using these ladders for their intended purpose, let alone as an improvised sex platform. (And by the way, has anyone ever seen a ladder like this anywhere but a public pool?)



SEXY SPRINKLER
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"Save this position for a day or night when you two have the backyard to yourselves. (So you're saying during the family barbecue is a bad idea, Cosmobvious?) Stand beside a soft-spraying sprinkler and bend over so the water hits your genitals... Your partner should stand behind you and put his hands around your waist as he enters you."

More humorous than hazardous - although the high probability of a neighbor calling the cops or hitting the front page of YouTube with the video he shot of you, does add some danger. But to pull this off, you'll just need a few minor things: 1 - A "soft-spraying" sprinkler, shooting up, as pictured, at an angle I have never seen before, instead of all over, as sprinklers are designed to do. 2 - The absence of the nine other sprinklers that typically work together to water your lawn. Unless sex in the "rain" is your thing. 3 - A way to get warm water to come out of the sprinkler, instead of the usual ice cold water. 4 - A woman willing to be outside, bent over, completely naked, cold water shooting into her "genitals", with soaking wet hair. And running mascara. 5 - A snorkel to keep her from drowning as you erotically hold her head over an active sprinkler.



SLIPPERY WHEN WET
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"Stand facing the side of the tub directly under the showerhead with water running. ("With water running"? Anyone ever say, "Hey baby. Wanna go stand in a dry shower and have sex? The smell of mildew and soap scum gets me hot.") Lean slightly forward, keeping your back straight and your hands on your thighs. (Because bracing yourself against the wall would be the intelligent thing to do.) Your man stands behind you and holds your waist as he enters you. He can intensify the action (and the probability of falling and breaking a kneecap), by pulling you back and forth."



BREAKING THE WAVES
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"Your partner sits cross-legged at the shoreline or in shallow water. Straddle his lap with your knees planted on either side of him as you lower yourself onto his member. (Am I the only one who thinks the word "member" is funny?) Rest your hands on his shoulders, and have him place his hands on your butt so he can help you move up and down."

While not appearing dangerous at first glance, let's look at this carefully. How many shorelines have you been on that weren't covered in shells, rocks, broken glass, jagged driftwood, or even hypodermic needles? And look at whose naked, exposed ass is nestled right down in there. While she "moves up and down". Hmmm. Lots of shells, rocks and other sharp stuff. Sensitive exposed opening. That's an explanation I do not want to be giving to the admissions nurse at the ER.

In fairness to Cosmo, here are three that you can try without needing medical insurance or a good bail bondsman:



HOT-TUB-HUG
You can argue therapeutic benefits all you want, hot tubs were made for sex. Why you would need written instructions for how to do it, I have no idea. But Cosmo has them if you click here. They do suggest she "take advantage of this you-on-top pose to titillate his pleasure-receptive nipples." Always a welcome plus. But they do forget to mention strategically placing the water jets.





DEEP-WATER DARE
She's weightless. You have the excitement of being in public without the danger of getting caught. Waves add to the motion. Perfect unless you live near the Great Barrier Reef. Or her bottoms float out to sea.









RANDY RAFT
And, finally, the perfect position for you less active guys out there - you get to have great sex, can raise and lower her legs to hit different angles like a pro, and at the same time put out very little effort. There might even be room on the raft for your beer.