They're older. They're more experienced. And, according to the current trend, they're dating younger. They're MILFs and Cougars. If you've had the pleasure of being in the company of one or the other (or both, you lucky bastard), you know what the buzz is about.
For you younger guys who don't, you're going to need to be able to spot them, understand their behaviors and safely navigate their stalking grounds. While there may be some similarities between the two, there are also some important differences. So in the interest of furthering your knowledge (and pursuit) of each species, here is your Practical Guide to MILFs and Cougars. Happy hunting.
SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION -
MILF: Mommialis Coitusdesirus
Cougar: Wrinklithicae Hornithalia
An acronym for Mom I'd Like to F*ck, the term gained widespread popularity after it was used in the film, American Pie. Some MILFs may still be married, but the recently divorced are the only ones you can safely pursue. (Unless you want her husband hunting you.) Some may eventually develop into full-blown Cougars.
A woman generally over 40, who has "been around the mountain" a time or two. She may be long divorced, or in the case of particularly predatory Cougars, may never have been married.
L to R: Demi Moore. Food Network star Sandra Lee. Sofia Vergara. Catherine Zeta Jones.
L to R: Peg Bundy. Melanie Griffith. Lisa Rinna. Donatella Versace.
Can usually be found congregating near soccer fields in late afternoon, or in suburban strip centers pushing a shopping cart out of a Target.
When not at work selling real estate or styling hair, they can often be found in clubs with names like "City Lights" and "Hot Chocolate", listening to the sounds of Gloria Gaynor and the Pointer Sisters.
DISTINGUISHING MARKS -
Her hair commonly up in a "I really don't have time to do my hair today" ponytail, it's her hands that give her away. Look for dryness and chapping from frequent diaper changes, and/or unmanicured nails from constant cleaning up after her family.
Wearing a few battle scars from past tussles, the cougar is all about excess. Look for lots of makeup to hide the wrinkles from years of lingering cigarette smoke and tanning bed sessions. Big hair - typically dyed either Platinum Blonde, Roof Tar Black, or Safety Cone Orange, to hide the advancing gray - and overly long, overly manicured nails, used for attracting and capturing her prey. She may also sport a new lower back tattoo (aka, the tramp stamp), or an old boob tattoo, procured in an attempt to convey her carefree sexuality and wild side.
Since it's all about comfort for MILFs, you'll usually find them in whatever they wore to the gym that morning. Or cleaned the house in that afternoon. Sweat pants, sport tops, zippered hoodies, and sneakers are all part of her daily dress. However, when the rare opportunity to dress up arises, look for her to break out the little black dress she wore on dates back in college.
If they make it in an animal print, they'll wear it. Leopard print is her favorite, but look for the occasional zebra print blouse when she wants to spice things up. Sending out subliminal mating signals to the opposite sex, bright, flashy colors are common as well. As is leather of any kind. Leather pants. Leather skirts. Leather jackets. And the tighter, the better.
Look for a minivan with several "My Child is an Honor Student" bumper stickers outside. And the lingering smell of diaper cream and stale Cheerios inside.
An older Camaro or Mustang, or a newer Corvette. Commonly painted bright yellow for attracting and chasing down her younger quarry. A convertible top helps visibility. Once inside, look for shoe prints on the headliner from her past conquests.
The three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bath suburban house, near good schools, she got in the divorce. You will most likely not make it past the front door, since the kids are there with the babysitter, but on the chance the kids are with their father for the weekend, you will find toys and stuffed animals pushed off into the corners, a stack of Pixar DVDs on top the TV, and grape juice stains on the carpet. Decor is utilitarian, with lots of pastels and floral prints. And safety latches on everything. Try to ignore the dog.
She'll have turned her one-bedroom condo into a seduction den, complete with fully stocked bar and very different "toys" than you'd find in a MILF's home. Don't be surprised if 9 1/2 weeks is already in the DVD player. In both the living room and bedroom. Once again animal prints rule. On the curtains, pillows, sheets, and anything else she could find at Linens & Things. Try to ignore the scratches on the back of the bedroom door.
Bottled water. In the evenings, chamomile tea or a maybe a glass of white zinfandel if the kids have been acting up.
Sex on the Beach or a Fuzzy Navel. Or a glass of house red. That's at lunch. In the evenings it's scotch.
Approach carefully. Especially if she's with her young. They can be very protective. You need to catch a MILF off guard, in a safe environment. Like in the gym. Or the supermarket produce aisle. Or you could skip all that and just get her kids tickets to the Hannah Montana concert.
You don't. She'll approach you.