Sheen-anigans: The Quotable Charlie Sheen

Two things you can be sure of whenever Charlie Sheen gets interviewed: 1. He’s going to give you the unvarnished truth (at least as far as he believes it), and 2. Most of what comes out of his mouth will be a hot, steaming pile of awesome.

And last night’s 20/20 interview was no exception. Sheen let it all hang out. At times brilliant and insightful, and at others, just spewing random non sequiturs. So much so, he was asked to take a drug test. Which he passed.

In case you missed all the winning, here are some of the best Sheen-anigans from last night. And if I missed any of your favorites (probably because I was too busy laughing by a lot of what he said), put ’em in the comments below.

When asked if he was on drugs:
“I am a drug… and it’s called CHARLIE SHEEN!”

For no apparent reason:
“I’m a high-priest Vatican assassin warlock.”

“You borrow my brain for like 5 seconds and you’d be like, ‘Dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard.'”

“I have one speed. I have one gear: GO!”

“I’ve got tiger blood.”

When asked if he thinks his drug use could kill him:
“Dying is for fools.”

“I was born dead.”
(Sheen says he was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.)

Story: When he was 15, Sheen stole his dad’s credit card to get a hooker to lose his virginity.

“Ambien: The Devil’s Aspirin.”

“‘They’ can’t process me because I’m not normal and ‘they’ are.”

When asked about his partying ways:
“I mean, what’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party, man, it’s epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

Talking about living with his porn-star and ex-nanny “Goddesses”:
“We win so radically in our underwear before coffee.”

Why he has “Goddesses” living in his house:
“They’re the best at what they do. I’m the best at what I do. And it’s ON!”

“People misinterpret my passion for anger.”

When asked if he misses working on “Two and a Half Men”:
“Work is good. It fuels the soul.”

“When you’ve got tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like magic.”

When asked if he is bi-polar:
“I’m bi-winning.”

Yes, Charlie, yes you are.