1 - Go home.
2 - Call her a cab.
3 - Apologize. And explain how you almost never "finish" that quickly.
4 - Unlock the men's room door and get back to your desk.
5 - Pay the lady.
6 - Try to locate Maui on the map of Hawaii you just left on her stomach.
7 - Roll over and go to sleep.
8 - Take a shower.
9 - Compliment her on her dancing skills as she leaves for the main stage.
10 - Spoon.
11 - Ask her her name.
12 - Turn the video camera off.
13 - Make yourself a sandwich.
14 - Tell her to make you a sandwich.
15 - Two words: Sports. Center.
16 - Tip Mai Ling the extra $25.
...There's more
I've posted the results of survey after survey that show a lot of people are not satisfied with their sex lives. (
Link) And no wonder.
Someone sent me a link to the Sex Position of the Week posted on
Cosmo's website, (which has links to their other positions as well.) Judging from the pictures and descriptions - and the fact that they are all water-based - I'm going to assume this is their Summer Collection. I'm also going to assume someone at Cosmo has a brother-in-law who is a personal injury attorney.
Some of these would challenge the acrobats of Cirque Du Soleil, let alone a 30-something couch-jockey with a bum knee. Compare them to the relatively tame positions suggested to guys by
Men's Health, which I linked to on Tuesday. Most of us could safely add those to our repertoire without tearing an ACL or losing an eye. And still get the job done.
Don't get me wrong. I'm always up for throwing in a new trick or two. But I gotta question whether Cosmo actually "field tested" any of these (and Cosmo, if you need a volunteer, you know where to find me), before throwing them out there for our girls to get a hold of. I mean, they may look good on paper but...
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Cosmo's Erotic Instructions:
"Sit on the second-to-last
(rock-hard) stair in the shallow end of the pool with your legs spread... Have your man stand between your legs with his arms on either side of you as he enters you. He can lean on his hands for leverage as he thrusts wildly." Smashing your spine and tailbone against the textured concrete stairs as skin tears away from your ass, back, elbows and his shins.
...There's more