40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN -

There are certain accomplishments and talents, no matter how proud you are of them or how difficult they were to achieve, that you may not want to use to impress women.
Andy: What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp. I am an accomplished ventriloquist. I am a seventh-degree imperial yo-yo master. Oh do me yo-yo master, I want you to do me 'cause you're the yo-yo guy.


Often, how something sounds is much better than the actual experience.
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.


The more hard work and effort you put into something, the more reward you will receive.
Cal: Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.


Simply pay attention to her. Listen to her. Talk to her. And you can be ugly as fuck. Or ugly as shit. (As long as you're not an arrogant prick.)
Cal: ...it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about talking to women. And I know how to do that because I observe. Because I am a novelist.
Andy: What? You never told me that before.
Cal: That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.


It's very easy to tell someone's sexual preference.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.


Everyone needs a little wrong in their life.
Andy: This doesn't feel right.
Jay: Of course it don't feel right! What has felt right for you doesn't work! You need to try some wrong, dawg.


To be a successful bullshitter you've got to sell it.
Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about nasty!
Andy: Ahhhhhhhh... wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now. [pause] I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!" ...There's more