The Super Bowl is more than just a huge sports spectacle. It is the only sporting event your girlfriend will ever watch with you. Not because she cares about the game. But rather, for the party, the halftime show, the commercials and to keep that brunette, who danced a little too close to you at the New Years Eve party, away from you.
Because this is most likely the only football game she’s seen, she’ll inevitably ask dozens of questions about what is happening on the field. Such as, “Why’d that guy throw that yellow napkin thingie?”
You might find explaining football to her in guy terms difficult. So here is a handy guide on how you can explain some basic things about the game to your girlfriend, in terms she can relate to.
New England Patriots. They are like that award-winning Hollywood actress who is getting a little older, but somehow still looks great in a bikini. You know that she secretly cheated and had some “work done” early on, but you still respect how she looks. And even though you are jealous of her, you love watching her movies.
New York Giants. They are like your girlfriend you secretly make fun of, who is kind of chunky and still wears mom jeans, yet ended up with a really good looking guy. And you and your friends just can’t figure out how she did it.
Illegal Contact. You know how when you are on the dance floor and it’s okay for a guy to put his hands on your hips and grind a little too close, but when you leave the floor for the drink he owes you, he has to keep his hand off?
Well, the first five yards are the “dancing”, and after five yards is the “drink”.
Pass Interference. It’s just like at the shoe store. If you see a pair of Jimmy Choo’s first, and are about to pick them up, another woman isn’t allowed to push you out of the way and grab them.
First Downs. Imagine you go on a diet and lose 10 lbs. You still think you’re fat and decide to lose another 10, towards your ultimate goal of getting into the jeans you wore in high school. But your jealous friends keep trying to keep you from reaching that goal, but taking you to dinner and making you order dessert.
Congratulatory Head Butting. You know when your girlfriend tells you she just got a designer dress on sale so low she practically stole it and you hug each other and jump up and down while you both scream in a high-pitched voice so loud that it actually hurts your head? Guys can’t reach that note so we bash each other’s head to equal that pain.
Play Action Pass. You think the play is one thing but it turns out to be another. It’s like last night when I asked you what was for dinner and you turned it into a fight about how I hate you mother.
The Red Challenge Flag. It’s like when one of your friends wears an outfit that she thought looked good when she put it on in the morning, but now that you see her in the light of day, you realize that those shoes do not go with that dress. At all. The red flag is like taking her to a mirror so she can have another look.
Roughing the Kicker. You know how you have forbidden me to ever touch your sorority sister since you found out that I once hooked up with her? The kicker is that sorority sister.
Zone Defense vs. Man to Man Defense. When I go shopping, I know exactly what I want to get, grab it and go. That’s like man to man. When you shop, you cover an entire floor of Macy’s picking up anything and everything that catches your eye. That’s zone defense.
Illegal Block in the Back. Remember last night when I wanted to try something “different” and you wanted no part if it?