Last week, I was lying in bed after some torrid first date sex when the chick thanked me for “being a man.” Huh? She explained that the last couple guys she had dated had been nice guys. Too nice. She didn’t sleep with any of them despite dating some for as long as six months. The things they said or did showed low self-esteem and in turn, made her feel like she was a loser because she couldn’t get a confident guy interested in her. She just couldn’t get into them, so she wasn't letting them get into her.

One guy rented a Porsche for their first date because he “wanted the date to go perfectly and she deserved a Porsche.” Another guy told her he was “so glad” she agreed to go on a date with him because the last girl he was interested in turned him down, even though he spent months taking a class to learn Portuguese in order to ask her out in her native tongue. (She spoke English, so this was intended only to impress her.) My date owned a parrot, so I told her she should call the guy and let him know that he could teach her parrot Portuguese; maybe if a parrot asked the Portuguese girl out, she would be impressed enough to say yes. Hell, maybe he could get the parrot to go on the date and do all the talking for him.

This is a great approach. Instead of asking out a woman because you feel you are worthy of her, impress her by doing ridiculous things - things she can’t possibly say “no” to. Here are some ideas. Feel free to share others, especially ones that have worked for you. (These are all things I know "nice" guys have done, because women shared the stories, or the guys emailed me their stories.)

1) Have the woman’s name tattooed on your arm. Better yet, have it tattooed on your ass, where there’s no chance she’ll ever see it.

2) Rent a dog for a day and pretend it’s yours. (There are companies that actually do this.)

3) Write her name in the sky... and hope she’s outside, looking up at that exact moment.

4) Sign up for all the classes she’s taking. In fact, change your major to hers.

5) Run all her errands, pick her up at the airport, and take her car to have the oil changed; all while she sleeps with the boyfriend you’re going to steal her from because he doesn’t do squat for her.

6) Rent a sailboat and pretend it’s yours. Don’t actually leave the dock (you can’t because you don’t know how to sail) but you can drink and have a good time. Oh, make sure there aren’t any condoms in the bathroom trashcan; that really kills everything.

7) Pick her up for the first date in a limo after sending a dozen roses to her work earlier that day. Even though she said she had to be home by 9pm, it won’t matter once you show her the surprise Billy Joel concert tickets you got. Oh yeah, wear a tux - women love feeling underdressed in jeans.

8) Buy her something ridiculous to show her how much you like her, like a necklace or earrings... or a house.

9) Suggest she listen to a particular radio station on a certain night. Dedicate a song on that station to her, then call her to make sure she was listening. Yell at her when she tells you she didn’t have the radio on while informing her you went through all the trouble of having her favorite song played for her along with a message from the DJ asking her out.

If the above suggestions don’t work, keep at it; you’ll get laid eventually, although it probably won’t be until you get that job at the mortuary...


Be sure to pick up a copy of Ian’s bestselling book (not only because it’s full of good stuff, but also because I’m not paying him), God is a Woman: Dating Disasters.

And find excerpts and Ian's other columns here.