40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN –
There are certain accomplishments and talents, no matter how proud you are of them or how difficult they were to achieve, that you may not want to use to impress women.
Andy: What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp. I am an accomplished ventriloquist. I am a seventh-degree imperial yo-yo master. Oh do me yo-yo master, I want you to do me ’cause you’re the yo-yo guy.
Often, how something sounds is much better than the actual experience.
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And… it’s a woman fuckin’ a horse. We get there and we think it’s gonna be awesome and… it is not as cool as it sounds like it’s gonna be. It’s kinda gross.
The more hard work and effort you put into something, the more reward you will receive.
Cal: Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
Simply pay attention to her. Listen to her. Talk to her. And you can be ugly as fuck. Or ugly as shit. (As long as you’re not an arrogant prick.)
Cal: …it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly as fuck, or you’re ugly as shit. It’s about talking to women. And I know how to do that because I observe. Because I am a novelist.
Andy: What? You never told me that before.
Cal: That’s because I’m not an arrogant prick, Andy.
It’s very easy to tell someone’s sexual preference.
David: You know how I know you’re gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I’m gay?
David: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Everyone needs a little wrong in their life.
Andy: This doesn’t feel right.
Jay: Of course it don’t feel right! What has felt right for you doesn’t work! You need to try some wrong, dawg.
To be a successful bullshitter you’ve got to sell it.
Jay: Nastiest shit you’ve ever done? I’m talkin’ about nasty!
Andy: Ahhhhhhhh… wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now. [pause] I dated this girl for a while… she was really a… nasty freak. She just loved to… get down with… sex all the time. It was like… anytime of day… she was like, “Yeah, let’s go! I’m so nasty!” And I’d be nailing her and she’d be like, “Oh, you’re nailing me! cool!”
Always look out for a friend and his needs first. Even if it means someone else could get hurt.
Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should’ve hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can’t lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
When a friend is in the line of fire, sometimes you have to step in and take a bullet.
Jill: Are you Andy?
Andy: Uhh… yeah…
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card…
Andy: OOhhh… yeah… right, god I’ve been looking for that speed dating card, thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was “hurtin’ for a squirtin'”?
Andy: Ummhmm… yeah… “hurtin’ for a squirtin'”, yeah i wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, “hoe fo sho'”.
Andy: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a hoe… for sho’
Always look for a win/win situation.
Cal: You know what’s a fun game? Take three Excedrin PM’s and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that’s the best part about the game.
Having self esteem issues is a perfectly good excuse for your actions.
Andy: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?
Jay: [sobbing violently] Because! Duh! I’m insecure! Can’t you tell?
This is why we’re still hanging around the bar at 3am.
Jay: All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It’s written. It’s a code written in his DNA, says, “tackle the gazelle.” And believe it or not, in every man there’s a code written that says, “tackle drunk bitches.”
KNOCKED UP –
Marriage doesn’t come with a laugh track. Unfortunately.
Pete: Marriage is like that show “Everybody Loves Raymond”, but it’s not funny. All the problems are the same, but… you know instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense. Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
Things don’t always go as planned.
Ben’s Dad: Life doesn’t care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.
There’s always someone (or something) else to blame.
Alison: I was drunk!
Ben: Was your vagina drunk?
Being a nightclub bouncer isn’t as cool as they’d like to make you think. (And never piss off a pre-menopausal soccer mom with body issues.)
Debbie: I’m not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I’m not going anywhere, you’re just some ‘roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not God. You’re a doorman, okay. You’re a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so… Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know… you’re right. I’m so sorry, I fuckin’ hate this job. I don’t want to be the one to pass judgment, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It’s not cause you’re not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Good advice in case you ever become the lead singer for INXS.
Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck – it’s dangerous.
All women receive a guidebook on their 18th birthday.
Debbie: [on the subject of husbands] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they’re forced to change!
A man always feels better when he’s properly groomed.
Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I’m ready to fuckin’ rock this shit!
Having to explain it is a definite sign you’re with the wrong person.
Ben: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison: You’re not going to fuck me like a dog.
Ben: It’s doggie style. It’s just the style. We don’t have to go outside or anything.
Whether or not something is a “mistake” depends on your point of view.
Seth: You know when you hear girls say ‘Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn’t have fucked that guy?’ We could be that mistake!
It’s important to stay up on fashion trends.
Seth: Nobody has gotten a B.J. in cargo shorts since ‘nam!
So that’s why some guys become cops.
Fogell: What’s it like to have a gun?
Officer Michaels: It’s like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
You should always pay attention in school, kids.
Becca: I’m so wet right now.
Evan: Yeah, they said that would happen in health class.
Certain things were just meant to be together, like peanut butter and jelly.
Seth: Yeah, but the problem is that they don’t actually show the dick going in the pussy. Have you ever seen a pussy by itself?
Seth: I dunno, it’s not for me.
Life is so much easier when everyone understands the part they play.
Seth [fantasizing]: You dropped your purse, ma’am. Would you like me to help you with your shopping?
Old Lady: That would be lovely! Do you want me to buy you alcohol?
Seth: That would be lovely!
[at the cash register, after she buys alcohol]
Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
Old Lady: Enjoy fucking Jules!
Sometimes life isn’t fair.
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They’re like little baby toes. It’s just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know… and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Evan: Just imagine if girls weren’t weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That’s the world I one day want to live in.
There are certain things that were meant to be left as God and nature intended.
Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
There are times when you need to put your masculinity aside.
Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
If you do wrong by a friend, man up and apologize.
Officer Slater: I’m sorry that I blocked your cock…
What’s important to some people is not important to others. Life is short. Only spend time on things that have value to you, and forget the rest.
Seth: Look, we all know home-ec is a joke – no offense – it’s just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it’s bullshit – and I’m sorry. I’m not putting down your profession, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food – no offense – and I just think that I don’t need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There’s three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin’ break! I’m sorry for cursing.
No matter who you are, you’ve got to own it.
Fogell: I am McLovin.