If the Mayan calendar or the Sumerians are to be believed, then 2012 will bring about a dark end of days for all mankind. An age of chaos, anarchy, and a halt in steady beer production. (A most disturbing time indeed.)
Since the video game industry just loves to put players in this scenario, I thought to myself, what video game weaponry would I want in my arsenal, if I were witness to the end of days. Here are the top 10:
Fat Man (Fallout series)
So the earth has been scrubbed down to sand and dust, and most organic life on it is gone. There’s not much else I could do to mess the place up any further, that’s why I’d be alright with using the Fat Man from Fallout. The Fat Man is a shoulder mounted catapult that launches mini nuclear bombs that sends up a mushroom cloud, and creates a crater of instant conflict resolution. Especially if you need to take out that entire village of brain-craving zombies.
Crowbar (Half-Life series)
Cold to the touch, not nice to look at, and incredibly blunt…no, I’m not talking about my mother-in-law, I’m talking about Gordon Freeman’s trusty alien-braining Crowbar. This simple weapon gets the job done without calling any attention to it or the person wielding it, which is ideal for stealthily getting around in any futuristic dystopia.
BFG 9000 (Doom)
The “Bio-Force Gun” (sure…) is a giant, mean, death dealer. And I want it to be the weapon that has to be pried from my cold dead hands. This piece of armament made quick work of the demonic inhabitants of Mars’ moon, destroying anything that you pointed this Big F*cking Gun at. I’d be inclined to say that the real-life use of such a weapon would be in direct violation of any number of peace-time laws, but we’re talking about apocalyptic anarchy here people — there are no rules.
Pipe Bomb (Left 4 Dead Series)
If the entire world has become a hellish nightmarescape where anarchy is law, maybe you should get into the spirit of things and use the go-to weapon of choice for crazed mountain men terrorists: The Left 4 Dead Pipe Bomb. This nasty little wonder is capable of allowing you and your team to get some breathing room against the game’s constant zombie swarms. Able to shut up a Witch, this improvised explosive should cause marvelous bedlam during your Wal-Mart provisions scavenge.
Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2)
Ammunition is at a premium and you’re surrounded by Raider Nation-attired goons looking to take up cannibalism. And guess who’s first on the menu? What do you do hot shot? Enter the Gravity Gun — the iconic weapon from the critically-acclaimed Half-Life 2. With it, it’s a simple matter of lifting a flaming barrel of petrol (which the apocalypse will just be brimming with), and fling it at your would-be antagonists. Not just meant for killing, the Gravity Gun was used to solve many physics-based puzzles. I would remain true to what I imagine was the game programmer’s true intentions and use this powerful weapon wisely to solve the puzzle of how to fetch beer from the fridge without having to get up.
Lancer (Gears of War series)
A weapon with a 60-round magazine, capable of firing up to 15 rounds per second, would be enough to make the Gears of War Lancer a fine rifle for a hypothetical survivalist like myself. But let us not forget the small fact that it has a FREAKING CHAINSAW attached to it. I’d use the Lancer’s whirring bayonet to fell trees for my pimp tree fort bungalow, as well as to hollow out fruit for scurvy-warding mixed drinks.
Energy Sword (Halo series)
More unnerving than the pump of a 12 gauge, the electric crackle of the energy sword made absolutely EVERYONE take notice on any Halo multiplayer map. With one charge, any half-decent space marine could cut a griefer to ribbons and go on a lengthy killing spree. I’d ideally use the Energy Sword when both kind words and large guns fail. (Also as the least comforting nightlight, ever.)
Golden Gun (GoldenEye)
“One shot, one kill” isn’t just for elite snipers in the future hellscape. The Golden Gun was capable of downing the ghostly Baron Samedi, and that cheating bastard Oddjob, with one pull of the trigger. The Golden Gun would be my ideal statement making side-arm, although if things took a bad enough turn I could see myself bartering the 23 Karat bullets for stockades of Spam.
Portal Gun (Portal)
Getting from point A to point B is going to be a huge issue in the apocalypse. (Hell, the entire point of Mad Max 2 was basically just trying to get some gas.) What better way to get around and to get out of hairy situations than to set up your own teleportation portals on the go? My only concern with using this weapon is my basic understanding of linear momentum and spatial awareness. (I was sick and missed class on those days.) Dying with half my body stuck in a concrete wall and the other half on the side of a mountain is not an honorable way to go.
Vega’s Claws (Street Fighter Series)
Although not exactly the most practical of weapons, you can’t deny their horrifying intimidation factor. Couple this with a Jason Voorhees-style metal mask (in order to protect my handsome mug), and I’ve got quite the psychological edge. I just hope that the claws don’t break and I become a total wimp like Vega was.