In just two weeks, the swine flu has swept the continent, turning otherwise normal people into otherwise normal people scared shitless of a sneeze.
Some say it’s just a mildly serious springtime strain, but if you’ve ever played a video game, you know this is just how it begins. First a sneeze, then a fever, then next thing you know you’re wandering the mall in a zombie-like trance feeding your insatiable bloodlust for fresh brains.
The government? They’re not going to help. If video games taught us anything about epidemics, it’s that we are going to have to form a resistance and fight thing this ourselves. So here is your guide to surviving the H1N1, and the resulting Swine Zombies…
Step 1: PANIC!
Oh shit! They’re everywhere man! Everywhere! Grab a weapon. Anything. Guns preferably, but bats, chainsaws, ninja stars, laser canons, whatever you can get your hands on, and get out of there. If your vehicle is not on fire and the streets are not already blocked from the mayhem, abandoned vehicles and/or military roadblocks, then take to the roads, and head for the hills.
Step 2: Find Shelter:
If you can’t get to a safe, rural location, you should stick to well lit areas, remain quiet, and treat your wounds quickly… because apparently victims can now smell your freshly clotting blood.
Step 3: Fight Your Way Out
This thing is airborne, they don’t even have to bite you, so if you see someone cough or sneeze, take no chances: aim for the whites of their surgical masks, and await extraction from an uninfected helicopter pilot.
Helipads on hospital roofs are your best bet, but getting there is always tough, because that’s the first place victims go when they first exhibit symptoms, so the place is lousy with them. Along the way, be sure to grab additional ammo and new weapons in safe houses or at shady dealers, both marked on your map. (Holy Jebus, you remembered the map, right?)
Step 4: The Cure
There is a cure for these things: a vaccine or pills, maybe some sort of tropically grown root… and you should find it and take it immediately to prevent yourself from becoming one of those… those things. The first place to search is a local laboratory associated with a shady pharmaceutical company or a secret government organization.
Step 5: The Inevitable Showdown
There’s no time to make enough of the antidote to cure all the infected. No, you must get to the source and take it down, because it controls the other zombies telepathically (or some shit – we don’t know how zombies work). But they are probably all being controlled by Patient Zero, the poor bastard who got infected first.
Do not be fooled by its seeming innocence or lack of defense. You will have to find out its weak point, which it will needlessly expose to give you a hint. Make sure to say something cool when you kill it, because that’ll be the end… one of the side effects of curing the epidemic is a conspicuous lack of plot resolution.
Congratulations, you’ve survived the epidemic. Remember, influenza epidemics resulting in zombieism generally strike in the winter, but can happen at any time. Remain vigilant, and if you see someone exhibiting signs of an animal related disease, don’t take any chances, shoot and run.