Thinking of rocking some mug fuzz and don’t know what to go with? Look to the world of sports. It’s home to some of the world’s most outrageous personalities – and even more outrageous choices in facial hair.
Josh Beckett presents The Beach Bum – Also known as The DiCaprio, this facial hair style is perfect for the keg kill after the game. For players too hip, young and ‘now’ to look like they give a shit about their appearance, the chin stubble is to cover up the puberty pimples and to draw attention to the sweet necklace just purchased from PacSun.
Fernando Vina presents The Tailor Made – Let’s call this facial hair on performance enhancers. No way this pencil thin mouth-shadow could look that annoyingly perfect without a little “help”. Guys like Vina would never admit to using “supplements” like a shading pencil or multiple trimmers unless a Congressional inquiry found out about it.
Jason Giambi presents The Magnum – An homage to porn stars of the 70’s and television PIs of the 80’s, this upper lip rider is perfect for causing a style storm in NYC or hiding your habit of sticking out your tongue with every swing. Also comes in handy as a flavor saver for the post-game meals of Jack on the rocks and girls named Ginger.
Jim Rome presents The Talking Head – This goatee has no peers. It has a life of its own. It’s large enough to hide behind when talking smack. Necessary for spending hours in ‘The Jungle.’ Resist the urge to smack it off. Have a take and grow one of these bad boys. Give it two weeks. If you still don’t like it, give it two more weeks. Rack this one.
Mark Schlereth presents The Almost – This man puts immeasurable time and effort into giving his goatee that freshly grown-in look. Perfectly clipped, groomed, and manicured. Miraculously going back and forth from gray to black, it works for every occasion – slick back the Just for Men hair helmet and you are ready for a Guiding Light cameo.
Mike Commodore presents the F’ You – Much like Peter North, this is the measuring stick when it comes to full facials. The beard without a care. Wild, wholly and no bullshit taken. If you don’t like it, tell the man. You won’t remember what happened next.
Richard ‘Goose’ Gossage presents The Goose – The Goose is never cooked sporting this musty old-man ‘stache. Whether it’s riding a Harley to a prostate exam or rubbing Ben-Gay into the joints for Old-Timers day, this Wild West remake helps hide the onset of man-jowls.
Adam Morrison presents the The First Timer – Baby is all grows up and he isn’t going to cry for his mama – or the fact that he blew a huge tourney game – anymore. This Foo-Man snooze is all the rage with 7th grade vo-tech students.
Jeff Bagwell presents The Metallica – For the pro athlete who prefers rock star groupies, Bags’ chin music let’s you doff your daytime uni and prowl the night as a heavy metal maniac. Bonus: The length helps gauge your time in the league.
Eric Gagne presents The Rogan – Long lost brother of funny man Seth, Gagne is sure to bring the laughs to the playoffs this season. Fans are sure to roll in the aisles over his refusal to admit he took HGH and the fact he felt growing a scroatee and changing his uni number would have an effect on his pitching.
John Kruk presents The I Don’t Give a Shit – For that “I just woke up and someone drove me to work” look. There’s casual, there’s unkempt, and then there’s Kruk. Proves you can look like a lost, bloated college student – even in a $1200 suit – and still make it.